Dear followers and those who have liked our posts,
Thank you so much for your support throughout this journey. I am here to let you know that this site will be no longer updated. The main collaborator, HJ, had moved on to her next life.
We have started this blog aiming to show that we can aim for a mutual understanding whilst acknowledging the differences. I felt there are so many cultures and sometimes, being a human, I was caught in the fog of cultures. Through the converstaion with HJ, I have learned these were all the reasonings and excuses I have gave myself to not trying to understand another person. HJ had continuously challenged my beliefs and perspectives I had accumulated in my life.
HJ had taught me many valuable lessons of life. One of the significant lesson was “Life is more colourful than I allowed it to be in black and white.” Some of her favourite phrases are: “What if not…?” “Why?” “What’s the purpose?”
HJ questioned me so many times what is good? or bad? what if it can be neither?
Thank you HJ. Your lessons will stay with me for the rest of my life. I will catch up with you in your next life time.
The experience of losing a loved one impels us toward a deeper understanding of life. Everyone fears and is saddened by death. That is natural. But by struggling to overcome the pain and sadness that accompanies death, we become sharply aware of the dignity and preciousness of life and develop the compassion to share the sufferings of others as our own.
HJ, do you remember what you were doing when you were sixteen? If you can send a short message to your sixteen self, what would that be?
OMG sixteen was a long time ago. I remember being the youngest person with the qualifications I had at Business College. I was well on my way to the career I so wanted. I’ll share this experience through this article as I come to “what message I would send to my sixteen self“
This is the topic of our conversation today. Yes, it is one of those “if” and I was surprised by the extent how our “culture” affected our life.
Oh I so know the “if” and yes the extent my “culture” impacted my life/my career
If we could onlly turn back time.
Kate Winslet
How this topic started? This started with a conversation I had with my brother and sister-in-law. We were discussing what we were doing at the time and then choosing a short message to sixteen self.
When I was sixteen, I was trying hard to fit-in. At the time, I already felt I didn’t belong to any social group. I felt I wasn’t qualified to belong to their social entity. I wasn’t Australian, I wasn’t Japanese, I wasn’t Taiwanese. I struggled to find someone like me so I can feel comfortable with. Yes it was a dream. It was that feeling of paradox, alienation, confusion, and lost. Because of all that, I couldn’t see the value in me. I feel torn between reality and ideal world. I hated myself. I didn’t like myself. I cursed the situation I was in.
Oh Lily that is so sad. To feel like that at such an impressionable age. I didn’t have that at sixteen. I was playing netball at A grade level being coached by a state coach and having found my “niche” with career powering ahead. I had a social group through netball and a few special friends from primary school. The advantage of living in the same area for my sixteen years.
As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too.
Johnny Depp
I think this was the time I learned how to put masks on my face. With this group of people, I put on the mask of “I am okay.” With another group of people, I would put on the mask of “I am just a kid.” With another group of people “I am different.” Yes, this further contributed to my state of confusion. At times, having those masks were handy. Yes, I was pretending “who I am” and cry about no one know the “true” me.
Oh Lily, such pressure on a sixteen year old. My masks came later in my life. I was loving my life at sixteen. I had a mentor who as part of the family and living the life I wanted. She encouraged me to follow my dream and also spent a lot of time with me having fun. She was the buffer between me and my Mum and as such I had freedom from the restrictions of home. My brother was also “looking after” me when we went out so I was “allowed” to go to a few places. He didn’t look after me. He dumped me and told me to be there when he got back to take me home. A whole other story.
You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.
Alan Moore
Because I didn’t like myself, I didn’t take anything seriously enough. Well, yes, I have tried what I can do academically but that was to make my parents feel good. Probably, I knew I couldn’t wear the implication of not studying and not getting to university. I think I have shared this perspective in another post. Studying English was inevitable but I can’t say I have put my whole heart in studying it.
I don’t remember my parents being all that fussed with my academic results other than passing and doing my best. Yes, we have shared these experiences in previous posts. My role was to be a wife and mother and be able to look after the family’s finances. That was not my vision. I knew what I wanted and was good at what I was doing and advancing well beyond my years. I was excited as I could see my dreams coming true.
Behind every mask there is a face, and behind that a story.
Marly Rubin
So, back to our first question. If you can send a short message to your sixteen self, what would that be?
My answer to that question was: Take English a bit more seriously and going to the university is not the only path in life. Listen to your heart of what you want to do.
We laugh at it because I am still at uni, and I admit I love my study, work and research. If I didn’t choose what I have chosen at that time, I won’t be who I am today. That’s for sure.
Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.
John C. Maxwell
My brother’s answer was: Don’t just listen to what father had to say. Explore.
My brother had undergone similar pressure from the parent. Yes, he was the eldest boy in the family, he was the first grandson to my grandparents. The pressure he had on his shoulder was more than I can imagine. Yes, in the culture I grow up, being the first son, grandson, means a lot in life. You had no other choice than succeess, according to them because they will do everything they could to invest in you and except high return. That is the culture I grow up.
Wow, that is pressure. As the youngest in my family I’m not sure what was expected of my brothers. All have been successful The eldest more so and I guess that was expected. He did get a lot of help to achieve his dream. It was often said in my family the eldest got the most brains and it slowly filtered down till me, and not much left !
My sister-in-law married to my brother in Australia. She never imagined that she will married to someone oversea from her mother country. She never imagined that she will live so far away from her parents. And, she said she never imagined there is one day she cannot visit her home country whenever she wants: one because she lives so far away, two because of the covid restrictions.
My sister-in-law’s answer was: Enjoy my mother country to the fullest. Have your favourite food while possible.
Don’t wait to be successful at some future point. Have a successful relationship with the present moment and be fully present in whatever you are doing. That is success.
Eckhart Tolle
This little imagination and exercise made me realise how much “culture” had impacted my decision-making. Whether I have made the ‘right’ choice at the time about my life or not, I was determined to make most out of whatever the situation that life has presented to me.
Yes, “culture” plays a huge part in our lives. Many time more so that we realised. I’m so glad I learnt determination and kept pushing through.
Didn’t I tried hard enough? May be yes, may be no. What I know for sure is, regardless of my choice, I have travelled the path as who I am. Looking back now, probably there was a better future if I choose a different path.
I’m always wary of looking back and wondering about the “what if”. We all do our best at the time with what we have and what we know in the current circumstances. We don’t know what would happen had we took a different path. We didn’t and the paths we took got us to where we are today. I’m grateful for the journey and all I learnt and experienced. No worse or better in my life anymore. I spent too much time focused on what I lost at the time my dream was taken from me.
But you know what? I love my life. I love what I am doing at moment. I am enjoying every moment in life.
That’s a great place to be, spiritually, physically and mentally. You’ve created your life. I’ve loved my life and all I’ve experienced. At the moment I’m at an age where I’m wondering what’s next, what’s left? My life been filled with so many adventures and I’ve made sure I do all that was on my dream list.
Dear sixteen-me, Regardless of your choice of path, you will make the most out of it. Have fun. Be confident in your decision. You have everything you need within yourself to make any dream come true.
Dear sixteen – me
Don’t let anything or anyone stop you from living your dream. Even if you are stopped at a moment, don’t lose focus, keep going as your time will come. You’ve got the determination and ability to be, do, have all that you dream of.
Our future self does not exist in some far-off place; it exists in the heart and mind of our present self. That is why we must face and tackle the realities that confront us.
Lily, I had discussions lately about the whole experience of shaming and what it means to others. We talk so much about shaming kids, yet do we talk much about shaming as adults? Or is it just accepted?
What an interesting topic HJ. Well, I guess, it really depends on what connotation you have on the word “shaming”. For me “shaming” is disgraceful.
… the act or activity of subjecting someone to shame, disgrace, humiliation, or disrepute especially by public exposure or criticism.
from merriam webster dictionary
I’ve experienced “being shamed” as a child and young adult but had discovered the impact of “being shamed” as an adult had so much more of an impact on me. Maybe it was just the “last straw that broke the camel’s back” as “they” say.
Isn’t it interesting to find out why we do what we do today? I guess, a lot of things were small things but it adds up.
Shame is a soul eating emotion.
Carl G. Jung
As a “fat” kid, I was a target for shaming. Struggling in class, I was a target for the teachers. Back when I was at school in the 60’s, teachers seemed to enjoy bringing attention to the kids who misbehaved, didn’t perform well or got low grades. I called it “shame into change”. Doesn’t work.
Looking back now, I was a target for shaming because of my cultural difference. Regardless of how much I tried, I was different. I didn’t know what was “normal” to other kids. In my days, immigrants were reasonably rare and I think my friends were just curios of the differences yet for me it was painful experience.
A good example is lunch box. I feel “shaming” not to have something similar to my friends. I didn’t want to have rice balls when all my friends had sandwich. I didn’t want to have fried rice when my friends had rice balls. Yes, I know, this is quite cultural isn’t it?
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unelss you forgive the situation, unless yyou realise that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
Dr. Steve Maraboli
I was really good at netball as a kid. You learn to take the “shaming” from the other team and their supporters cause “that just part of the game”.
Sledging it’s now called the insulting of an opposing player in order to upset his or her concentration.
Thankfully over the years this type of behaviour was stopped from those off the court, yet it was done on court both physically and verbally. I learnt to play not just the game of netball but all the on court antics.
High school was also “shaming” as I was again the “fat kid”. All of this didn’t stop till I left high school and attended Business College. Very strict rules there and this was never allowed.
For me, ‘shame’ has connotation of ‘disgraceful’. For me, it is disgraceful to my family. Let me share a story about how my family thought I was “disgraceful to the family” because I was “fat”. I remember my mother once said “Aren’t you ashamed? that you can’t control your weight. Aren’t you worried that you don’t have partner? I am worried that because you are so fat, you don’t have chance to find a partner.” This perspective include cultural believe of girls need to find a partner and marry, become a mother. That’s the ideal life of born as a woman. And the whole notion of ideal body image for girls. Girls need to look slim and pretty to be loved by another person.
If you put shame in a petri dish, it need three ingridients to grow expotentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.
Brené Brown
My first few jobs were great and I got to use my skills and worked in an environment where I felt supported and appreciated.
It was out in the social world that the shaming was rife. I really never understood what you gain from shaming and belittling another for any reason. The obvious physical appearance of another causes “horrible” comments with little to no regard to how that makes the person feel.
When I was a kid, I was trained as a swimmer. Back then, people said “that’s amazing. You ate a lot” with encouraging tone. When I stopped swimming people still said “that’s amazing. You ate a lot.” Yet, this time with negative tone, meaning “I ate too much.”
Eventually, I had to lose weight due to health reasons. One day, my mum saw me after I lost about 10kg, she said “I finally had my daughter back.” That really shocked me how my mother viewed me all those years. Yes, I can’t deny all those comments seemed harmless from my family members but it was toxic. It toxicated my self-confidence and self-esteem. All those years, I believed I wasn’t good enough for others to love, or even liked. I need to be super kind to others to compensate for the flaws for others to be friend with me.
When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.
Jill Blakeway
Now I realise how sad it is for the person who has to knock another down to make themselves feel good. At the time it is devastating. So much so, my first real experience of the damage “shaming” does was when I was 17 and a young man who felt he was a young woman and exploring what that meant was treated horrendously in social situations. He was my friend and I did my best to help and protect him. He truly was struggling and in the end, ended his life. That had such a huge impact on me and how I lived my life and treated others.
“Shaming” didn’t stop during my life. So many delighted in making life as difficult for others as possible. I still don’t understand what’s going on for them to feel they can do that.
You have reminded me one of my experience as a child. When I was year 5, I have experienced isolation from the whole class. It was a sudden change, I didn’t know what to do. It went on for a year. As it started suddenly, it stopped suddenly too. I was just so shocked in how people can change their mind. What I have learned from this experience? I learned to stand tall if I can’t find the reason it was my fault. It was a struggle for me to attend school everyday without a fail. I had a ritual to myself those days which stated “The true defeat is when I give in to those people who are ignoring me in the class.”
How did I kept going? I had people behind me who had my back. My parents knew the situation, so did my teacher. I heard many people critised his inability to handle the situation yet I appreciate his trust in me. When he knew the situation, he actually asked me what I want to do with the situation. I told him I think I am okay so don’t do anything. Don’t even highlight it in the class. That’s what he did for me. I promised him that when I can’t handle anymore, I will let him know immediately. To this date, I still appreciate his trust and courage to let me handle the situation as how I wanted. Because of them had my back, I was able attend the school everyday.
What was the outcome of this experience? I have learned how to enjoy my time alone. I learned the fun of human observation and story writing. More to this experience is years later, a lead person who isolated me from the school visited me in Australia. Well, she shared that she had experienced similar situation in her highschool days. Regardless of what happened during my primary school days, we were able to share fun time together.
People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self-esteem are quite aware of your potential, even if you are not.
Wayne Gerard Trotman
Anyway, where was I going with this? Well, the idea came from a memory I shared this week of an experience of being “shamed” as an adult.
I love to dance. Always have done from a young age. Always “bopping” to music. I love learning ballroom classes, latin american classes, jazzacise classes and especially going to night clubs and dancing all night.
This particular instance, I can still see it and feel it, I was at the Tewantin RSL (Sunshine Coast Qld) in April 2014 with a group of new friends. We were there to see and band and dance to their music. I was much older than the rest (59 yrs young). The girls all decided to get up and dance. Three of the five young women (in their 30’s) started standing aside and told me I looked so silly and couldn’t dance and what was I doing and moved away from me. The friend who invited me didn’t say anything and joined them.
I was humiliated. Up until then I was enjoying myself. I didn’t see myself as any better or worse than anyone else on the floor. To be left alone by the group really embarrassed me.
I have not got back on a dance floor since. Oh, I did take up an offer to join a dance class for over 60’s a few years ago and was told by one of the men that I couldn’t dance.
The only time I dance now is in my home, or with children.
What an experience? You have reminded me about my mother. After sizing down, my mum now watches every kilo of weight I put on. She is making sure that I am keeping my best weight by asking me “Have you put on weight?” This is every single time she sees me. One day, I responded “Thank you mum for keep reminding me about my weight. I really don’t need it because I am totally aware of what’s happening with my weight. I feel sad and shamed everytime you ask my weight and I really don’t need those comments. Can you keep it to yourself? I don’t want to hear it anymore.” Since then, she will still occassionally comment yet she is more gentle with her comment.
It is always been a mystery to me how people can respect themselves when they humiliate other humans.
Mahatma Gandhi
I’m told no one can hurt you unless you let them. Sounds great in theory, yet if you hammer a nail into a piece of wood and pull it out, there is still the hole left from the nail.
Every little or big piece of “shaming” has a impact on a child’s/person’s self esteem, self worth and it stacks up chipping away each time till the child/person can take no more. Let’s all realise this and start encouraging, each other, building up rather than tearing down. There is no right way to do anything. Let’s all just have fun and allow each other to enjoy life. It’s a gift for us all to enjoy.
Life is best lived by being bold and daring. People tend to grow fearful when they taste failure, face a daunting challenge or fall ill. Yet that is precisely the time to become even bolder. Those who are victors at heart are the greatest of all champions.
HJ, what are some of your memories around summer holidays?
Oh Lily I have so many wonderful memories of summer holidays at the beach. We would spend weeks there and I swam and played everyday with the same families who all got together at the same Caravan Park.
In my previous country of resident, summer holiday was a term break. A year was organised as Term 1, Summer break, Term 2, Winter break, Term 3, Spring break, then you enter next grade. So, summer break was a break yet you were not free from homeworks. This is when I was in the primary school X decades ago.
OMG still hadhomework. No my experience was eight weeks of fun in the sun for my summer holidays.
When I lived closer to my home country, we have visited my maternal grandparents during my summer break. I had to take all my homework with me. Yes, we will have given a booklet to complete and each day, there is a page or task assigned.
Wow. We have it so differently here. We visited my Dad’s parents during the holidays but my Mum’s parents both passed when I was only 3 years old. Even visiting my grandparents it wasn’t not about school work.
The morning routine of my grandparents started with mountain climbing, probably it was more like bushwalking. They would wake up in the dark and drive to a nearby range and would walk for about an hour or two. Then, they will drive to their favourite place to have a breakfast on the way home. I would join them if possible and I remember it was quite scary to walk in the dark. Lucky they have chosen paths that were maintained.
That’s serious commitment. My family would pack up the car with all that was needed for a two week stay at the Caravan Park at the beach. It was about an hour and half away from home. I do remember as I was older my Dad driving home on Christmas Eve to collect the presents for Christmas Day. There were six in my family and four children in a small caravan, annexe bedroom for the “boys” and the car for us all to sleep in. There wasn’t much room for “things” We didn’t really have a routine to the day. We could play all day and came back to eat. It was always so special to have so many children to play with and always parents of someone watching out for us.
I remember I was so scared of the darkness but I constantly told myself “You will be okay. You have someone behind you to back you up.” So, I kept walking forward. I think the thought of been left in the darkness was scarier than moving forward. Now thinking back, this probably taught me to keep moving regardless in the challenging times of life. I also remember my grandparents used to say “Look at that girl. She is moving forward as she is not scared of the dark or being at front.” Probably it taught me to lead if necessary. And, after all, I remember I was so glad to coming back to urbanised society. Ahhh. Thinking back now, I am missing both of them so much. Their hobby of bushwalking had been carried on by my aunt and her husband.
Special to have those memories of your grandparents. We learn so much from each experience whether we enjoy it at the time or not. My memories of my Dad’s parents are of his Mum and her wonderful treats for afternoon tea. And she always gave me a tea cup saucer and tea plate each year. My grandfather had a wonderful veggie garden and I was always out there with him learning so much. They were much older and less active, yet had a full life and shared their experiences
After a day’s walk, everything has twice its usual value.
G. M. Trevelyan
A good thing about summer holiday in Australia was there was no homework that we have to complete! What a dream world!! because in Australia, after summer holiday starts a new year for students. I remember my mum said “how can I keep your academic level when you don’t have any homework to keep you on track!?” Well, we didn’t. I remember when I return to school after six weeks of break, I had to re-learn my English. It took me couple of months to get use to English again. Well, I always thought and told myself “English might now me but I might not know them. That’s why I am having trouble!!”
Yes I can imagine the culture shock when you arrived in Australia and no homework during summer holidays. I didn’t know any different. We couldn’t wait to enjoy the beach, playing with our friends and not have any homework. Not having to worry about the language was an added bonus.
I did work on some things with my daughter during her holidays in a fun, round about way so she was still learning without any formal structure. I knew the importance of education, and always the need to unwind, recharge, have fun while still expanding the knowledge, experiences, and abilities of each of us. Road trips became something we both looked forward to during holidays.
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese proverb
When we couldn’t travel overseas, we had road trips. We will have a destination and drive off. This road trip was great when we were little. We could sleep in the car. Yes, it becomes harder as we get older. We allowed ourselves to be lost in the cities, in the countries. Yes, we could do it because we didn’t know the danger of outback Australia.
Overseas travel was too expensive when I was a child and also when my daughter was young. I so loved those road trips exploring Australia. It is a big beautiful country with so much to see and so many attractions you won’t find anywhere else in the world.
Yes, not being prepared when driving through the outback can be dangerous. No water, very few petrol stops, and long distances between anywhere. Roads are not what city people are prepared for and then there are the road trains. I was always told of the need to prepare for any trip. Learn about the area and what facilities are available on the way.
At least, my parents tried to stay on the main highways around the East coast of Australia. As these trips were early days in Australia, we didn’t know where else to eat, except well known fast food. I think in some instance we had three meals from that fast food. Ahahaha. How unhealthy!! Well, that was the only thing we felt safe to eat. That’s all the memories!!
OMG what a “treat”. My mum would prepare food for the trips. Sometimes we could have an icecream or maybe fish and chips occasionally. Mum would include treats with our daily food and we were all so happy to have nice things to eat. We were all more interested in where we were going and what we could explore.
Because the greatest part of a roadtrip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.
Emma Chase
Eventually we refuse to go to a roadtrip as a family because we never experienced a trip without parents yelling at each other. It took me years to understand yelling at each other is a way my parents communicate. Didn’t mean I appreciate yelling. We had fun times I think. Well, that’s probably all parts of family trip. It was long driving. We hardly stop in between for sightseeing. I guess, my family were trying to find a way everyone can enjoy.
We were not given the choice of not going on a road trip. Again being the youngest I was taken along. As my brothers got older and were working they didn’t come along as they didn’t have the school holidays anymore. My parents didn’t yell or argue in front of us. We playing games, sang, slept, and had lots of stops along the way. I do remember Dad would always give us warning of a “toilet stop” and if we didn’t take it, there could be a long time in between. Way back in my road trip days, very few places had a toilet and after having to go in the bushes you soon did as you were told.
A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.
Tom Lichtenheld
Now, I understand every member of the family had different focus in a road trip. I look for more architectures and food. My father looks for beauty of nature and luxury. My mother and sister looks for attractions. My brother looks for accompany, who he spend time with. When we are so diverse that’s hard to plan one trip that suits every need.
We didn’t have the option of a different focus on road trips. We planned them as a family. We were given choices of two or three places and then one, one holiday, the other next and so on. We all just loved exploring, the adventure of not knowing, and sometimes revisiting places we enjoyed previously. We all had all our wants met that I know of. It was always fun. I really don’t have a memory of not being happy or going somewhere I didn’t enjoy.
When my daughter and I went on road trips, we planned them, discussed what we wanted to see and do and they were always fun. I would prepare food, drinks, treats and we would buy the occasional ice cream or takeaway, but we would rather spend money of attractions, and adventures.
HJ, what do you value in your road trip?
The time with family. Sharing experiences and adventures and discovering all that’s out there for us all. Time away from the everyday at home is something I crave throughout my life. Meeting new people and learning about our country has always been a joy for me. It gives you wonderful memories and for me, brings you closer to those you share the experience with.
I know HJ. It is a very interesting topic. Well, I thoughout about this topic probably becauase it is unusual for me to not be married at my age.
I was raised in a culture we need to get married at a certain age, preferrably before but acceptable until mid-30s. Once you have passed that age, you are start to be see with this “odd” look because you have entered “unusual” societal category. So, arranged marriage is common practice because start your own family is seen as part of growing up. “Marriage” is a path to participate as a full-grown adult in the society. You suddenly given a permission. This was the culture that I was raised.
Growing up a female was “miss” till they were married and then “mrs” when married. Males were “master” till an adult then they were ‘mr”. It had nothing to do with the marital status of males.
By the time I was married, the term “ms” had started to surface. It was seen “badly” as a women who was a “woman’s libber” and not received well by the “traditional” culture. I was not happy with the “mrs” term as it was referred to as the “misses” like you were not a person in your own right. I did struggle with being called that.
I remember, when introduced as the “misses” to people of my new husband, who I hadn’t met, as shock saying “omg, your married, you didn’t tell me that”. Yes shock value. My husband knew I was a rebel and wasn’t surprised yet not particularly happy with my response.
Back in the 70’s when you got married it was seen as you now “belong” to your husband. I was young and went along with a lot, yet had my moments when I wouldn’t go along with what was expected.
I don’t know whether it is just in 70’s but I certainly experienced and observed that perspective of “belong” to your husband. I was raised in a culture fully believed in that. Let me share an interesting experience with you.
My mother considered divorce many time. She considered it because she had enough yet she was scared to lose everything she had. In my culture, divorce was seen as bringing disgrace to the family, and when parents are divorced, children belongs to their paternal family. This means that mother are more likely to lose custody of her children. Now, thinking like this, may be wife was seen as less important than offsprings. My mother believed Australia was the same that children are likely to belong to their paternal family, even though we, children, were old enough to make our own decisions.
One night she came to me and asked “if I decided to divorce with you father, would you curse me that I have taken your father away from you?” I was shocked and replied “No. Getting divorce is your decision and it is your relationship with my father. My father will stay as my father regardless of your relationship with my father. However, you have my full support in your decision.” She took few moments to articulate what I said and I can see a sense of relief in her face. My mother is still with my father. Since that night, I never heard her asking me again whether she should get divorced or not.
You will pass through storms and heavy rains, and at times you will suffer defeat. The essence of the creative life, however, is not to give up in the face of defeat but to follow the rainbow that exists within your heart.
Daisaku Ikeda
This marriage did not last that long. That’s another story. By the time I was divorced, I decided to use ‘ms’ if it was necessary to have a “title”. Which seemed to be an issue. I was working at a junior primary school at the time, and was advised not to use “ms” as the children would struggle with it. Well, I can tell you the children (4-8yr olds) had no problems with it. It was the parents (some of them) that didn’t like the term. It meant I was “one of them/those” whatever that meant. Yes I was. I was my own person.
I explained to the children and to others who bothered to want to know (it was new and unusual for a woman to use that term in te 70’s) that a female is ‘miss’ till married, then “mrs” and if no longer married or divorced she can use “ms”. Not difficult to understand if you have to have a title.
I have learned a new history of English today. Finally someone explained to me the difference between miss, mrs and ms. I use miss majority of times yet sometime when I am not sure or I can’t be bothered, I will use ms as shorthand! It should be mixed up now! hahaha.
I remarried many years later and took my husbands surname yet stayed with ‘ms’. Why? it was my choice and I was not the “misses”. My husband understood and really didn’t worry about it. His mother was the ‘mrs’ and she didn’t like me very much and was happy for me to not be identified as “mrs”. People are so interesting with their control behaviours.
Isn’t that fascinating you said that. You reminded me about the culture I was raised. Once you are married, you belong to the other family. You will be in their grave, not your parents.
One day, I overheard my grandparents were arguing about something and my grandfather ended the argument by saying “you better behave otherwise you are not welcomed in my grave when you have died” to my grandmother. I nearly said “may be grandma doesn’t want to be in the same grave as you.” I controlled myself though!!
We have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can’t fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won’t move us forward.
Barack Obama
I’ve stayed ‘ms’ ever since. I still dislike the questions, single, married, divorced, separated, widowed etc. I truly don’t see what the difference is unless it’s about assistance and government help. Even then, isn’t it about whether you are on your own or have a partner?
I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.
Carl Jung
Let me share why this toipc emerged. One day, I receieved a message on the timeline of my facebook page from my maternal aunt. It stated “Lily (she used my other name), haven’t heard from you for a while now. Do you have a boyfriend now? When will I be invited to your wedding?” When I saw the message I was shocked!! I thought she could send me a private message and I won’t be offended but she didn’t need to post it on timeline where everyone can see it! AHHHH.
I did send her a private message afterwards and said: Thank you for your concern about me. I am very well and I trust you are well too. I am afraid to let you know that you less likely to be invited to my wedding this lifetime but I promise to invite you if I have any chance for next lifetime. I’m having a very fulfilled life, I’m enjoying everyday of my life, doing what I like to do in my life. I am very fortunate to have such life. She immediately said that it is good that I am “available” for my parents when they need me to help them. I felt offended but immediately realised that was just her perspective. Yes, I will leave this story to another occassion.
When I shared this story with my mum, she immediately got me. She said “how bazzar she did that. It must be technical thing. She didn’t know everyone can see it.” I kind of agree with my mother about her sister who is in her 70s. I had a good laugh after all!
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou
Marital status is a very personal situation. Something the two people involved need to sort out early in their relationship. Just as you would discuss having children, moving for work, all the variables of being in a relationship. It’s also vital to understand how the woman is seen in the marriage. Still to this day, there are men who feel once they “have” a woman, she will be controlled and have to follow his rules.
When women decide they will not be then this is when so many issues arise in the relationship which can lead to abuse on so many levels.
Yes, gone deep, yet views on your ‘marital status’ needs to be discussed in depth before you enter into any relationship.
HJ, did you ever felt that your opportunity for education was limited by someone else?
Yes Lily I certainly have experienced that.
Moving from a country to another, I felt my education opportunities were limited by external factors. Well, let me share some of them with you.
I was raised in a culture where academic excellence was one of highly regarded achievements in life. From my paternal side of my family, they were praised that they were able to send their first son to obtain better tertiary eduation aborad. From my maternal side, they were proud that they were able to send all six children to obtain tertiary education, and one overseas. So, since I was young, academic excellence was used as mean of comparison.
Wow that’s a lot of pressure. In my “culture” the males could achieve excellence academically or technically. They were encouraged to achieve all they could. Me on the other hand, as a female, well I was told my “lot in life” was to be a good wife and mother and to follow the secretarial stream so I could look after my husband and family “properly”. That sounds so crazy these days. There were no women in trades that I knew of and few scientists or engineers as they were not given an easy path into those occupations
Yes, I know. This sounds ridiculous, it is just an aspect of life, but I was very much influenced by it. I felt my parents were also influenced by it. Well, as I was raised abroad from the mother country, my relatives couldn’t compare me with their children who were raised in the country though.
Not it doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. It happen in Australia while I was growing up. Even schools would compare brothers and sisters as they came up the grades and parents always wanted to “brag” about the achievements of their children. I certainly experienced with my three older brothers. Girls, well as mentioned above, that was our lots to be a “wife and mother”.
Education is only a ladder to gather fruit from the tree of knowledge, not the fruit itself.
Albert Einstein
Great quote Lily
I always thought I was disadvantaged because I was an immigrant child. I believed that I was never able to get to the same start line as other native children. I felt I was always behind and never competable. As I have shared my background culture, I had no other choice than attending university. I was madly finding a way to get to where I need to be. Yes, at that time, my goal was to get into the university.
I felt disadvantaged because I was a girl. Interesting isn’t it. I so loved playing football, working on cars, as well as netball was my passion and dolls and my beloved dog I grew up with. All the girls I knew growing up were in the “same boat” and so we play together and most of us managed to do ok at school without trying too hard. University was not really an option back in my day. Business College was the only option if your high school results were good enough.
This was very early days in Australia. I had to attend a language school, which provided curriculum leading to the mainstream education system, highschool. Eventually, I was enrolled into English as Second Language (ESL) classes in the highschool. Still navigating through the maze of how to get to the university. So, I asked a teacher how to. She was a ESL teacher and her answer was “It is less likely for children like you to get to the university at once. It is very rare. However, there are pathways you can get to the university eventually.”
Wow, what a thing to say to a student. So many teachers are responsible for squashing the dreams of so many children back in my day 60’s right through to now. They don’t know what a child can do, especially when determined. I’m so glad you were determined and made sure you did go to University.
I was shocked. I couldn’t admit what she had just said because not going to university at once is seen as unacceptable path in my culture. This was the first time I felt I had limited opportunity to obtain education that I wanted to.
I can only image how you must have felt. I knew from a young age what my fate was supposed to be. That changed as I got older.
Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill
Transferred to another high school, which did not offer ESL support, I have encountered my second limited opportunity to obtain education I wanted to. This time, it was about the choice of subjects. I did everything I could to increase overall score of my academic excellence. Out of six subjects, only five subjects counted towards my final score which must include English. This final score will determine my eligibility to attend undergraduate course. This is an old system, choosing five subjects out of six, that didn’t make much sense to me anyway. Nevertheless, I had no choice but to choose maths and science subjects which were weighted higher than art and social science subjects. Yes, a lot of time, I wished that I could do those social science subjects but I had to dropped them because English wasn’t my first language, so I couldn’t guarantee I could achieve high grades, and they are weighted less than science and maths subjects.
Yes, I don’t really understand the restrictions within education when young adults are so clear what it is they want to do. And then to have the English as a second language to deal with. English is not easy at the best of times. My choice was to do well in English, Maths, Typing, Shorthand and Domestic Science at high school to get into Business College. I have no ideas how that happened because I always had C’s in English My dream was to be an Executive Assistant (back then Personal Assistance)
I was able to graduate with reasonably good results. Not the best, not the worst. It was the best I could do at the time. I felt I was at the limit again. I felt I was at my intellectual ability limit. Couldn’t share my feeling with anyone at the time because I felt it was just not acceptable for me to feel that way. Yes, I didn’t give myself permission to feel that way and express that way.
I so hear you. Although, all things considered it was amazing that you were able to graduate with “good” results. Sad to think you could not share your feelings. It was something I was not encouraged to do. You just had to get good results. In my case it was always “if Heather put as much effort into her school work as she did for her sport, she would achieve much better results.“
It always seems impossible until it’s done.
Nelson Mandela
My culture background interfered with my academic journey when I was choosing my undergraduate degree. My parents were also influenced by their culture that the top three best jobs are doctors, accountants, or lawyers. I suggested to become a teacher, they said “no, you won’t become a good teacher.” I suggested to become an interpretor, they said “you are not good enough.” I suggested engineering, they said “yes, but you are not logical enough.” I suggested to become a researcher, they said “you are not research type of person. Your sister is better off with that path.” Whatever I suggessted, they squashed. I was so confused and felt hopeless. Yes, again, I felt “I am not good enough for them to be proud of.” Eventually, they have suggested health which I felt okay but what I didn’t know is I was about to enter unknown world. I had no preparation or background towards what I was about to be exposed.
University was not an option for me. A year at business college and I came out with excellent results. So much so I was able to secure high paying government job where I was paid for my qualifications and speeds in shorthand and typing. All I wanted to do was earn a good income and move out of home and explore all that the world had on offer.
To be told you are not “good enough” for all that you suggested and I guess somewhere in all that, something you wanted to do would have really taken it’s toll on your self confidence, self esteem and self worth.
Remember? I did those subjects in highschool not because I liked them. I did them because I had not other choice. It was the only possibility to get me to the university. They were weighted higher and my English proficiency did not affect my results as much as other arts and social science subjects. Remember? My goal was to get into the university. Not to study at the university.
What is failure in life? Making mistakes does not signal failure, but giving up on yourself when you’ve made mistakes or feeling discouraged does.
Daisaku Ikeda
Eventually, I have listened to my parents’ plan of my life. We have agreed to study medical science. I studied chemistry, physics and maths at highschool but not biology. Jumping to study biology at undergraduate level was a nightmare. I struggled through my undergraduate degree. It was a constant battle with my limitation. I believed I have reached a limit of my intellectual ability at highschool. I believed I can’t learn biology from scratch. I believed names of human body, medical science was a monster chasing after me. Yes, I was overwhelmed by the amount of knowledge I had to obtain. For a three-year course, it took me five years to graduate. I did graduate eventually! At my graduation, I said to myself, “That’s it! No more studies! I have done with study for my entire life!!”
We did listen to what our parents had planned for us didn’t we. That changed for my daughter as I wanted her to be able to follow her dream (she was born in the 70’s) For you to be able to achieve all that you have and continue to is so admirable. The subjects are difficult enough without having to learning and understand English, especially the medical terms. You did graduate. That is certainly success. Regardless of how long it took you. You did it. I can understand how you felt at the end.
Keep moving forward, even one or two steps, in your own way. Those who live out their lives to the fullest, unpertubed by ethe noisy clamor around them, are the true winners.
Daisaku Ikeda
After graduating, didn’t know what to do with myself, I visited my paternal grandparents one afternoon. They said “You know girls these days should get at least a Master’s degree. Why don’t you do a postgraduate degree?” At that point, I thought I had done enough study for my life. Because I didn’t know what else to do with myself, didn’t want to work either, so I found a course that was in health discipline, sort of related to my undergraduate course and I felt a bit of interest in studying it. So, I did.
Wow Lily, did anyone congratulate and celebrate your graduation? And then to have this said to you. What year was this? To have this pressure? Have you asked why it is so important for girls to have these degrees? To be able to live without an income would make it easier? Did it?
The whole curriculum was at another level. I really regret I was there too soon. I felt I was too immature to be there. I graduated in time yet I lost my purpose of studying.
How sad to have this experience.
A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.
Elbert Hubbard
Unless we take one step forward, we cannot take the next, much less a thousand.
Daisaku Ikeda
Let’s fast forward to now. Today, I am a PhD candidate, studying research. I will leave my love of research for another occassion. One day my grandparents suggested me to stop studying because “boys won’t like girls who are smarter than them.” Yes, it has been influenced by their cultural background. I replied “I love what I am studying now and researching. I like what I am doing now.” They didn’t continue.
I do hope you are enjoying your current study? What an oxymoron. You need to get a Masters yet not be too smart so you can get a husband. It is a cultural thing yet even today are are some relationships where the female does earn more than the male and it doesn’t always work. Sad to think it’s such an ego thing. Stay small so you don’t intimidate others.
I‘m so glad you’ve come to the place where you can say how much you love what you are doing.
Remember? My ESL teacher told me that I cannot go straight to the university? I proved that wrong. Remember? My parents told me that I am not a research type of person? I proved them wrong. Remember? I felt the limitation of my intellectual ability at high school? I proved myself wrong.
You certainly have shown others and yourself that you are so much more capable when you are following your passion and determined to do your best. No one truly knows what you can do other than you. As they say, we are only limited by our own beliefs. When you are following your heart there isn’t “can’t” in your vocab. You will find a way and you did just that.
Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts.
Albert Einstein
Has my opportunity for education influenced by my culture? Yes to some extent.
Yes, for me, the pressure put on your to achieve so much academically is a cultural thing. I was raised in a multi cultural environment and the pressure of males and females was different with each culture. Even today the expectation varies
Looking back, because of all those critical times, I have found my path of life. I have found what I love to do in my life. My motivation for academic excellence was to prove someone wrong. I just didn’t want to give up on myself because someone said it is very hard to achieve. I just wanted to live a life as my heart sing.
All that you went through did bring you to this point in your life. To be in the place you are now must be such a joy?
Find what makes your heart sing and create your own music.
This is a controversial topic. So many have an opinion as to what “physical discipline” is.
Yes, it is controversial topic isn’t it? Different definition has been used in different context to different degree.
any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light
United Nation Committee on the Rights of the Child
Psychological aggression refers to the action of shouting, yelling or screaming at a child, as well as calling a child offensive names, such as ‘dumb’ or ‘lazy’. Physical (or corporal) punishment is an action intended to cause physical pain or discomfort, but not injuries. Physical punishment is defined as shaking the child, hitting or slapping him/her on the hand/arm/leg, hitting him/her on the bottom or elsewhere on the body with a hard object, spanking or hitting him/her on the bottom with a bare hand, hitting or slapping him/her on the face, head or ears, and beating him/her over and over as hard as possible.
UNICEF
There is “smacking” and there is “hitting”. One more violent than the other. Yet, it’s often used as punishment for an action that is not seen as acceptable. For example, smacking a child for hurting another child. How does that make sense? How can it be ok for an adult to hit and a child not to.
Let’s see how physical discipline or also known as corporal punishment impact on a life. Well, it did impact my life somehow.
And how confusing for the child to be hit for hitting ??
Physical discipline was a usual strategy of dispciline during my childhood. Well, not only because my parents was grown up in such culture, it was seen acceptable to some degree by the society. After years of searching why I had to go through such punishments, I have learned my parents didn’t know any alternative ways discipline us because that was how they were raised. It took me a long time to accept that.
Let me share an experience of cultural differences and physical discipline.
As I was raised aborad, I did not encounter any physical discipline from my primary school teacher. When I visited my counsin who resided at my mother country, she shared with her painful experience of physical discipline at school. She said that she was punished because she didn’t answer correctly in a test. The consequence was that she was smacked by stick on her hands for number of questions she was incorrectly answered. She said that her hands were swollen for days, she couldn’t eat with chopsticks and couldn’t play piano for days. She was devastated.
Now, this is her experience three decades ago. Eventually, teachers are not allowed to employ physical discipline to their students any more yet it was a common practice back then.
Let me share my only story. I have completed my primary school education in a country where physical punishment was generally seen as inappropriate. One day, we had two fellow students who failed to participate in cleaning, which was part of everyday activity at school. Obviously, my teacher had to look for them all afternoon and still couldn’t find them. They failed to participate because they couldn’t stop playing and didn’t want to participate in cleaning. My teacher was so upset to the extent that he slapped the face of these two students. He explained why yet looking back now, this probably is inapprorpiate strategy.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Albert Einstein
Physical punishment was part of everyday life in my childhood. Well, I quickly learned how to avoid trouble and become very sneaky sometime.
I’ve recently read a article that talked about conditional love. That the action of telling a child to go to their room till they behave the way a parent or caregiver decides is giving the child the message that they will not be loved unless they do as they are told.
Yes, HJ. I can now said that I was carefully groomed by my parents as well. You need to behave in certain way, you need to achieve something to gain their love. You need to be… Yes the list was endless. I know a lot of them come from their hope for us. I wasted so much of my time telling them “I am not the daughter they wished for.” I guess, I wanted them to understand and accept that, and love me again. Now, I am presenting to them who I am and I am okay if they didn’t like how I present to them.
And above all, children need our unconditional love – whether they succeed or make mistakes; when life is easy and when life is tough
Barack Obama
I will admit I “smacked” my child when she was young. It made no difference to her behaviour. Thankfully I learnt that there are so may other ways to teach our children social behaviour, acceptable behaviour in so many different situations. I also learnt how to talk to our children and to look at what is behind the behaviours.
In my years of lived experience, I’ve discovered most physical discipline comes from the parents/caregivers’ frustration, lack of understanding, and yes, anger. We are the role models and are teaching our children this behaviour is acceptable so when our children get frustrated and angry, they act out as they have seen us do.
I learned physical discipline was seen as inappropriate when we arrived in Australia. One day at school, we have been told it is inappropriate and you as a child can report to the authority. I was shocked that I am entitled to do so. Well, did I abuse that previledge? Yes, I did. I told my mother that if you hit me again I am going to report. She did stopped using physical discipline eventually and I felt her frustration.
It may seem that parents teach the child, but in the end it is the other way around. Bringing up children is a way for parents to become complete themselves.
Daisaku Ikeda
The only time I remember being “smacked” as a child was when my mother slapped my face when I was about 13. I told her I hated her and a few other things and the next thing I knew. We were both shocked. It made me hate her more.
Physical violence was part of my growing up as I had an older brother who thought hitting, kicking, tripping, pinching, flicking and practicing wrestling holds was funny. He didn’t let up. It wasn’t until around the same time (13 yrs) that I had had enough and pushed him back, he fell, and I got into trouble.
When we treat children with respect, they in turn learn how to respect other human beings.
Daisaku Ikeda
I’ve experienced physical “discipline” from a husband who thought it was what you did when you weren’t behaving as he wanted. It’s the “battered wife syndrome” where you start to believe it’s your fault. So very messed up. Thankfully I now know any kind of physical discipline is not acceptable. It’s abuse. He learnt this behaviour within his family unit growing up. Take a look at the “symptons” and see how these are showing up in your parenting and/or interaction with others.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
Carl Gustav Jung
So you can just imagine what children are being taught by being “physically disciplined”?
To see children been hit around the head, or slapped way too hard or yelled at, or dragged around, really does break my heart. So see their spirit broken, their need for love and attention and this is what they are experiencing. This how they learn to behave and respond. Who would want that?
We owe our children – the most vulnerable citizens in any society – a life free from violence and fear.
For me, finding my voice within my culture was a continuous battle in life. It is a lifelong search for ‘who am I.” Yes, for me, it is linked to my identity, authenticity, and values.
What about you HJ? When do you think you have found your voice within your culture for the first time?
Great question Lily. Really need to think about this one. As a child I was raised to keep quiet and at the very least keep my opinions to myself. I found my voice when I had had enough of being bullied. Around the age of 13 after years and years of physical bullying from one of my brothers, I had had enough and remember using a self defense move I had learnt and he ended up on the floor. I stood over him and told him to “not touch me again”. I guess that was the first time.
The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.
Mahatma Gandhi
I said, it is a continuous battle in life, because I have experienced change in my voice as I grow up. As I have chosen my values in life, my voice had changed too. Yes, until I have found myself, identity, and authenticity, I was confused about my voice.
Yes, I so hear you with “as your values change so does your voice”. I would not say it’s been a battle to use my voice. For me many times it’s been to control it. I am very vocal around injustice, abuse, neglect, lack of understanding, judgement, bigotry and on and on the list goes. As I’ve got older I hope a little wiser and less radical.
As I was exposed to different culture, I was confused with different views of the world. Yes, I was lost in the culture. I have a particular way of laughing. Some people said they love how I laugh while others couldn’t stop offering an alternative perspective.
Oh yes Lily I hear you with this one too. Growing up, if you did laugh it had to be quietly and “lady like” whatever that is and at something “appropriate”. Definitely not at another’s misfortune.
So, how did I find my voice? Let me illustrate how my voice changed across the time.
Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you don’t matter, or like you don’t have a place in our American story – because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.
Michelle Obama
One day, I was visiting my mother country and stayed with my maternal auntie. She didn’t really like how I laugh. The following was her argument.
Lily, you know what? I went to a group tour with a Professor, not long ago. In our group, there was a girl, who laugh like you did now. Do you know what Professor said? He said that “She (girl who laughs fully) is disgracing and shaming her family.” So, I think you shouldn’t laugh like that. It doesn’t suit you at all.
I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I grow up in a culture where girls need to be quiet, passive, and never stand out from the crowd. Stand out from the crowd mean that you are likely to be ostracised from that community. Girls need to listen to their parents and husband. Girls were not to be a bread winner rather they are likely to be raised to support their husband. This was the culture I grow up. This phenomenon was engraved in my life.
Oh, if I can jump in here? You’ve shared this story with me before and I was so surprised. Yes, I too was raised to be quiet, passive and not stand out, yet you have a wonderfully infectious laugh and always makes me happy and relieves any stress or concern at the time. It’s so sad for you to have been told this. It’s so sad to think we are still raising our children (especially girls) to not laugh out loud. To not stand out. To not be expressive how ever that is for them. I’m so glad you happily laugh these days. Well atleast around me. I love it.
So, back to my story with my auntie. When I heard her suggestion for the first time, I gave in to her perspective. I allowed it to take over my belief and value in life. I felt it was my fault that I can’t control my own expression. I felt I wasn’t enough for her to be acknowledged. I was hurt yet I didn’t know how to stay true to myself.
What a confusing time for you. This is what can stop us from blossoming as our unique selves and started the spiral of low self esteem and self worth.It’s been called a form of “conditional love”. Behave as I tell you to or I won’t love you.
Yes, HJ, I think we met around this time. I was confused, discouraged and disorted. I was lost in myself. Who am I? Who am I meant to be? Who can I be? Who shall I be?
And totally understandable. How couldyou know who you are or who you can be when you’ve been conditioned to believe you have to act in a certain way to be loved and accepted.
Always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals.
Michelle Obama
Returning to Australia, I commenced my journey of self-discovery. Well, I was searching for an answer and strategy so I can stay true to myself. I wanted to gain confidence in myself. Cut the long story short, after I found myself, I have realised how I really wanted to react at the above situation with my auntie.
Well, two years later, I had an opportunity to react with same auntie, same situation. Once again, she had repeated her perspective. Trying very hard to convince me to give in. Instead of letting it go and giving in, I was ready to explain why I express my joy in my laughter.
Thank you auntie for your concern about how others may comment about me when they hear my laughter. As I grew up, I had a period of time when I have lost myself. I have also lost how to freely express my feelings. Coming out of that expreience, I have decided to live my life with freely expressing my feelings. I want to express my joy fully when I feel joyful. I want to express my sadness fully when I feel sad. So, thank you for your suggestion. I have decided to embrace and express my feelings. I will share my feeling with whom I want to share and what I want to share.
She didn’t know what to say yet I was very surprised with myself that I was willing to share my perspective with her. I was surprised that was one of the value I held inside my heart. Only then, I understand why I felt I was hurt. More I think about it, I was very proud of myself that I finally found strength to standing up for myself.
Well done Lily. And very brave and courageous. To stand in your personal power, to BE who you are and live your values. How freeing that must have felt and a wonderful boost to your self esteem and self worth. Yes, it also gives a greater understanding and to be made aware of the hurt you had been carrying around? Have you now been able to let that go? and to be able to forgive your Auntie as she was probably just carrying on a old outdated behaviour. Has her comments changed towards now?
This is how I have found my voice in my culture. Yes, it took me a while to find my own voice that was in my heart.
May you live in such a way that others will say, “She is a woman who, though ordinary, somehow stands out, and has a beautiful story to tell.”
Daisaku Ikeda
How your life has changed now you are being true to you? Finding your voice and standing up for yourself. It’s something we all need to do at some stage in our lives. It can be a slow process and sometimes does not go as well as we intend, yet it’s important to value ourselves enough to know we do have a voice and can use it. Being able to do that even when “criticised” or “judged” or any other reaction, to know it’s not about us, it’s about them.
Yesterday I saw a man skipping with his granddaughter. The look on their faces was priceless. It was beyond happy.
I love watching those scenes where adults are willing to play with kids. Not because they still play with them, for me, it’s about sharing that moment of life together. It is the fact people understand the value of time together.
Many years ago, I lost both of my maternal grandparents. As I was living abroad, spending time with them were very precious. Even though at the time, I didn’t really appreciated it. I just didn’t like the way they have treated me. Well, I realised it was just the cultural differences.
After they have died, memory had flashed back. Yes, those time we spend together. My grandparents were quite strict yet they treated me in the best way they knew. There were so much to learn from them how they survived the second world war, how they nurtured six children, how they grieved loss of their second son, and how much they have emphasised the importance of the education. They told me not to giving in to my second best. If I have decided to try something out, give it all to do my best.
The greatest gift that you can give to others and to yourself is time. Embrace the gift of time whether you give it or receive it.
Philip Zimbardo
What is it about that stops us from being the kid and just being the child. It’s so much about “what will others say” or “don’t be embarrassing”. This one is really sad in my world. How can having fun be embarrassing?
Well, isn’t that matter of listening to the external world? Or giving in to external voices? Let me share an experience with you.
My brother and myself, we grow up in the same culture. We responded differently to the situation though. One night we, his family and myself, went out to the market on Friday night. There were band music everywhere and because I knew the tune, I start dancing, singing, and enjoying the music. I always admired those who can dance in front of others, near the stage, yet, I never had that courage nor I really wanted to dance in front of others.
My brother saw that and said “How embarrassing? Have you thought of your age?” I responded “Really? I am enjoying the music, atmosphere so much! I love this!!” Then, he probably gave up or didn’t know what to say. Well, I was enjoying it.
A sense of playfulness is the best defence against taking yourself too serious.
Peter Kai Chang
“Gay abandon” was a term used for those who stopping worrying about what others thought and just “abandoned” the restrictions of what was seen as appropriate behaviour for your age. This term has now been changed to “joyful abandon” due to the meaning now given to the word “gay”.
I never come across that term. I think I know the essence, “joyful abandon”. Let me share another experience when I felt the difference in the culture.
One morning, I had to do a fasting blood test in my mother country. I was travelling by myself and stayed with my auntie. On the way back from hospital, I had my favourite breakfast in my hand, she had to urgently stop by automotive service because she felt something is not right. There were some chairs that were used by the staff, which were unoccupied at the time, so she, and the staff, told me to take the chair and have my breakfast. I really appreciated the offer because I was so hungry and I really wanted to enjoy my faviourte breakfast when it is still warm.
After I took their offer and started enjoying my breakfast, my auntie said “See, kids raised abroad are so different to home grown one. If we offer the same thing, home grown one will curse us and will never start eating their breakfast.” Staff agreed to her comment.
It took me awhile to realise what she had said because it was a natural behaviour for me to accept the offer. Yes, I was hungry!! Yes, it was cultural difference between raised abroad and home grown!! Well, What’s wrong with raised abroad? I had no choice! and I appreciate been reaised abroad though.
The very essence of playfulness is an opennness to anything that may happen, the feeling that whatever happens, it’s okay … you’re either free to play, or you’re not.
John Cleese
It almost like you are supposed to stop playing and have fun as you get older. This is why I so love being around children and animals as they have no restrictions on themselves until the adults tell them to stop. Why do we do that? Use those terms “don’t be silly” “stop embarrassing me” and more.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and experience with this one.
This is a bit different to playing but let me try to share my experience with listening to children songs.
One day, I was listening to a child song. It was one of my favourites, I grow up with. I listen to it over and over again, time to time. It was an anime song that only little children watch. You know what? Some of those lyrics are just amazing. It taught me a lot about life and how to navigate through tough times. Everytime I listen to it, it told me to pick up myself and keep going. Yes, it is in my music list all the time.
My niece, who was about to turn eight, asked “Why do you still listen to such a childish song? Grown up people should listen to those kiddy songs.” I turned to her and replied “Have you read its lyrics yet?” She replied “No. Why should I?” I responded with a smile “If you have a chance, please do because it taught me important lessons in life and I feel courageous after listening to it. I feel I can try again to those things I couldn’t do yesterday.”
Cut the long story short, she searched the lyrics and now it has been added to her favourites as well. Good songs are remembered beyond generations.
The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age.
Aldous Huxley
So often we are told the play is crucial to a child’s development, then why do we stop as we get older? When does the importance of our development stop? In my world, when we die. I will never stop “developing”.
Yes, HJ. I feel the same way too. Playing with my niece and nephews, I learn so much from playing with them. I want to run with them, being silly with them and joke with them too! Well, I know one day they will grow up too. Ohhh.
I have an auntie who I contact every now and then. We will catch up over coffee or a meal. Our relationship is a bit like this. She allows me to joke around, make fun. We don’t run around any more though.
Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.
Fred Rogers
Once you stop learning, you start dying.
Albert Einstein
My researcher “hat” went on and I thought I would share a little of what I’ve found
Relieve stress. Play is fun and can trigger the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
Improve brain function. Playing chess, completing puzzles, or pursuing other fun activities that challenge the brain can help prevent memory problems and improve brain function. The social interaction of playing with family and friends can also help ward off stress and depression.
Stimulate the mind and boost creativity. Young children often learn best when they are playing—a principle that applies to adults, as well. You’ll learn a new task better when it’s fun and you’re in a relaxed and playful mood. Play can also stimulate your imagination, helping you adapt and solve problems.
Improve relationships and your connection to others. Sharing laughter and fun can foster empathy, compassion, trust, and intimacy with others. Play doesn’t have to include a specific activity; it can also be a state of mind. Developing a playful nature can help you loosen up in stressful situations, break the ice with strangers, make new friends, and form new business relationships.
Keep you feeling young and energetic. In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” Play can boost your energy and vitality and even improve your resistance to disease, helping you function at your best.
I must admit I do struggle to “do” fun things as I don’t want to be seen as “silly” and yet with children and animals I have not problem with getting back in touch with my inner child.
Wouldn’t it be a “hoot” if we could see and “allow” ourselves to just be child like whenever we feel like it without being “shamed”? If only for our mental, physical, spiritual health?
My aim these days is to enjoy every moment to my fullest. It is not so much about playing yet I am having so much fun!! Yes, I have found, it is my fortune to live such everyday life.
The creative mind is the playful mind. Philosophy is the play and dance of ideas.
I wanted to discuss this with you, HJ, for awhile now. Yes, it has been awhile. This topic has been circulating my head for a good few months.
HJ, do you think integeranational gap is culture-driven? or not?
Wow Lily when I first read this I was stopped in my tracks. Great question and I’m looking forward to your perspective and what it brings up for me.
As I grow up, I started to experience disagreement with my parents and extended families. I have noticed I have different perspectives to my parents. And, I thought the main reason for our disagreements were culture-driven. Let me try to illustrate this to you.
I was raised in a culture that children are “expected” to care for parents as they age. Children are “expected” to financially support their parents as they grow up. Children, particularly the first son and his associated family, are “expected” to live with parents in the same household. Sending older parents to aged care facility was seen as immoral, disrespectful, and disgraceful. Yes. My parents have a perspective of “older parents should be cared at home until it has become medically impossible for them to stay at home.”
When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.
Mindy Hale
Wow (again) this was not my experience. The parents role was to care for their children and encourage them to go out on their own. It does seem different these days with so many adult “children” still living at home or returning home and expecting their parents to help them out.
I could not wait to leave home and all the restrictions to start my life and explore.My parents did help me out when they could yet it was not something I expected.
Yes I so hear you about the “putting older parents into care”. It was not seen as something you did unless the parents needed special care. Even then, there was still a stigma attached to that decision. This is a truly complex situation. I’ve seen many who could wait to put their parents into care and sell the home and divide up any money that came from that. Then there were those who tried to care for their parents at home and truly struggled with the decision of putting them into care, knowing they needed special care, yet feeling like they were not a good “child”.
As I have integrated different cultures, I struggled to break some of these expectations. I saw how my parents were challenged to break-off such tradition/custom yet they still follow these tradition to great extend. Even though they were challenged, they wish they will have similar care for themselves.
I started to question these expectations. Is that really what you want me to do? Is that the best way to take care of you? I have begin to see and taste the crust of these expectations that they have “enforced” on me or my sibilings.
Ingergenerational support is crucial. I feel like generations give up on each other. If you’re Gen Z, you’re like, “Gen X is never gonna get it.” If you’re Gen X, you’re like, “Those Millennials are such idiots.”
Yara Shahidi
Lily, you certainly are in a very difficult place. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sure so many have been and possibly still are dealing with this dilemma. Could only imagine the pressure on an only child as there was enough pressure on me as the only girl in the family. Even though I have three older brothers, it was expected that when it got to the point of my mother needing extra care, my mother expected more of me than them. Dealing with their expectations and also what I call the “emotional blackmail” that comes with it, is not an easy thing to deal with.
I was discussing such differences to a friend. She had similar background to me. She simply said “that’s our tradition.” I discussed this topic with my cousin. She also said that she was comfortable with the tradition. Okay, this was the point I start feeling that I am the odd one, to some extent I felt alienated. I guess, I was looking for a different answer than accept the tradition as it is. May be my friends were more traditional than I thought.
If we carry intergenerational trauma (and we do), then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. Its in our genes and in our DNA.
Kazu Haga
Living with tradition could not be an easy way to live. Especially when you are living here in Australia when our traditions are so different. Yet in saying that, there are many here that have the same expectations as you are discussing. I don’t feel you are alone is this Lily. I know many struggle with these decisions. It truly comes down to having the difficult discussions with all the family as I feel it’s not yours alone as you have siblings and extended family who need to be involved.
After a long time negotiating with my heart, I have realised it probably wasn’t so much of intergenerational gap. It was more about my choice. I have choosen a potion of tradition from my parents and grandparents to carry on with me and leave the rest behind. Obviously, such choices were different to my parents. Yes, my parents might have preference of tradition they wished that I have carried on yet it was different to what I have chosen.
Now, I am trying my best to find the balance between myself and my parents. Sometime I accept their preference while other times they give in to my preference. Either way, I guess, it is a lifelong learning and negotiating acceptance of the perspectives of each other.
Well done you Lily. Your awareness and insight is so valuable to you and for you to share with others who find themselves in this position. It is a lifelong learning and yes, negotiating acceptance of the perspectives of each other. A harsh statement made to me, when I was struggling with “what to do”, was “whatever you do now, will you be able to live with yourself when your parents are no longer here?”
A good example is my decision of not having a baby after a certain age. I remember when I first told my mum, she was shocked. However, after several discussions, she supported my decision. Well, she couldn’t let go of my marriage yet though. We come to an agreement that I will marry only if I met a person that I can consider sharing the rest of my life. If not, I probably won’t.
Oh yes I can understand her shock and the cultural expectations on you to get married and have a baby. It is so much easier for many who are not from a culture with those expectations to make their own decisions. I can not imagine a life with an arranged marriage and expectation of children. Just look at Charles and Diana for example. I was expected to get married and have children. Something that didn’t sit well with me. I was not “good” at being married or as a mother in the beginning. Being a mother became my life’s mission and passion to give my daughter the best life I could without all the expectations from me, that I had from my parents.
So, is this culture-driven? or intergenerational gap? or part of everyday life?
I think it’s all of that. Our lives are so multicultural here in Australia. Which gives us choice and more complex issues around making those choices.
Whenever there are beginners and experts, old and young, there is some kind of learning going on, some kind of teaching. We are all pupils and we are all teachers.
In Conversation 