Author: heddypoo

SHAMING experiences as an adult

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Lily, I had discussions lately about the whole experience of shaming and what it means to others. We talk so much about shaming kids, yet do we talk much about shaming as adults? Or is it just accepted?

What an interesting topic HJ.
Well, I guess, it really depends on what connotation you have on the word “shaming”. For me “shaming” is disgraceful.

… the act or activity of subjecting someone to shame, disgrace, humiliation, or disrepute especially by public exposure or criticism.

from merriam webster dictionary

I’ve experienced “being shamed” as a child and young adult but had discovered the impact of “being shamed” as an adult had so much more of an impact on me. Maybe it was just the “last straw that broke the camel’s back” as “they” say.

Isn’t it interesting to find out why we do what we do today?
I guess, a lot of things were small things but it adds up.

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

Carl G. Jung

As a “fat” kid, I was a target for shaming. Struggling in class, I was a target for the teachers. Back when I was at school in the 60’s, teachers seemed to enjoy bringing attention to the kids who misbehaved, didn’t perform well or got low grades. I called it “shame into change”. Doesn’t work.

Looking back now, I was a target for shaming because of my cultural difference. Regardless of how much I tried, I was different. I didn’t know what was “normal” to other kids. In my days, immigrants were reasonably rare and I think my friends were just curios of the differences yet for me it was painful experience.

A good example is lunch box. I feel “shaming” not to have something similar to my friends. I didn’t want to have rice balls when all my friends had sandwich. I didn’t want to have fried rice when my friends had rice balls. Yes, I know, this is quite cultural isn’t it?

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unelss you forgive the situation, unless yyou realise that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Dr. Steve Maraboli

I was really good at netball as a kid. You learn to take the “shaming” from the other team and their supporters cause “that just part of the game”.

Sledging it’s now called the insulting of an opposing player in order to upset his or her concentration.

Thankfully over the years this type of behaviour was stopped from those off the court, yet it was done on court both physically and verbally. I learnt to play not just the game of netball but all the on court antics.

High school was also “shaming” as I was again the “fat kid”. All of this didn’t stop till I left high school and attended Business College. Very strict rules there and this was never allowed.

For me, ‘shame’ has connotation of ‘disgraceful’. For me, it is disgraceful to my family.
Let me share a story about how my family thought I was “disgraceful to the family” because I was “fat”.
I remember my mother once said “Aren’t you ashamed? that you can’t control your weight. Aren’t you worried that you don’t have partner? I am worried that because you are so fat, you don’t have chance to find a partner.” This perspective include cultural believe of girls need to find a partner and marry, become a mother. That’s the ideal life of born as a woman. And the whole notion of ideal body image for girls. Girls need to look slim and pretty to be loved by another person.

If you put shame in a petri dish, it need three ingridients to grow expotentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.

Brené Brown

My first few jobs were great and I got to use my skills and worked in an environment where I felt supported and appreciated.

It was out in the social world that the shaming was rife. I really never understood what you gain from shaming and belittling another for any reason. The obvious physical appearance of another causes “horrible” comments with little to no regard to how that makes the person feel.

When I was a kid, I was trained as a swimmer. Back then, people said “that’s amazing. You ate a lot” with encouraging tone. When I stopped swimming people still said “that’s amazing. You ate a lot.” Yet, this time with negative tone, meaning “I ate too much.”

Eventually, I had to lose weight due to health reasons. One day, my mum saw me after I lost about 10kg, she said “I finally had my daughter back.” That really shocked me how my mother viewed me all those years. Yes, I can’t deny all those comments seemed harmless from my family members but it was toxic. It toxicated my self-confidence and self-esteem. All those years, I believed I wasn’t good enough for others to love, or even liked. I need to be super kind to others to compensate for the flaws for others to be friend with me.

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.
The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

Jill Blakeway

Now I realise how sad it is for the person who has to knock another down to make themselves feel good. At the time it is devastating. So much so, my first real experience of the damage “shaming” does was when I was 17 and a young man who felt he was a young woman and exploring what that meant was treated horrendously in social situations. He was my friend and I did my best to help and protect him. He truly was struggling and in the end, ended his life. That had such a huge impact on me and how I lived my life and treated others.

“Shaming” didn’t stop during my life. So many delighted in making life as difficult for others as possible. I still don’t understand what’s going on for them to feel they can do that.

You have reminded me one of my experience as a child. When I was year 5, I have experienced isolation from the whole class. It was a sudden change, I didn’t know what to do. It went on for a year. As it started suddenly, it stopped suddenly too. I was just so shocked in how people can change their mind. What I have learned from this experience? I learned to stand tall if I can’t find the reason it was my fault. It was a struggle for me to attend school everyday without a fail. I had a ritual to myself those days which stated “The true defeat is when I give in to those people who are ignoring me in the class.”

How did I kept going?
I had people behind me who had my back. My parents knew the situation, so did my teacher. I heard many people critised his inability to handle the situation yet I appreciate his trust in me. When he knew the situation, he actually asked me what I want to do with the situation. I told him I think I am okay so don’t do anything. Don’t even highlight it in the class. That’s what he did for me. I promised him that when I can’t handle anymore, I will let him know immediately. To this date, I still appreciate his trust and courage to let me handle the situation as how I wanted. Because of them had my back, I was able attend the school everyday.

What was the outcome of this experience?
I have learned how to enjoy my time alone. I learned the fun of human observation and story writing. More to this experience is years later, a lead person who isolated me from the school visited me in Australia. Well, she shared that she had experienced similar situation in her highschool days. Regardless of what happened during my primary school days, we were able to share fun time together.

People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self-esteem are quite aware of your potential, even if you are not.

Wayne Gerard Trotman

Anyway, where was I going with this? Well, the idea came from a memory I shared this week of an experience of being “shamed” as an adult.

I love to dance. Always have done from a young age. Always “bopping” to music. I love learning ballroom classes, latin american classes, jazzacise classes and especially going to night clubs and dancing all night.

This particular instance, I can still see it and feel it, I was at the Tewantin RSL (Sunshine Coast Qld) in April 2014 with a group of new friends. We were there to see and band and dance to their music. I was much older than the rest (59 yrs young). The girls all decided to get up and dance. Three of the five young women (in their 30’s) started standing aside and told me I looked so silly and couldn’t dance and what was I doing and moved away from me. The friend who invited me didn’t say anything and joined them.

I was humiliated. Up until then I was enjoying myself. I didn’t see myself as any better or worse than anyone else on the floor. To be left alone by the group really embarrassed me.

I have not got back on a dance floor since. Oh, I did take up an offer to join a dance class for over 60’s a few years ago and was told by one of the men that I couldn’t dance.

The only time I dance now is in my home, or with children.

What an experience?
You have reminded me about my mother.
After sizing down, my mum now watches every kilo of weight I put on. She is making sure that I am keeping my best weight by asking me “Have you put on weight?” This is every single time she sees me. One day, I responded “Thank you mum for keep reminding me about my weight. I really don’t need it because I am totally aware of what’s happening with my weight. I feel sad and shamed everytime you ask my weight and I really don’t need those comments. Can you keep it to yourself? I don’t want to hear it anymore.”
Since then, she will still occassionally comment yet she is more gentle with her comment.

It is always been a mystery to me how people can respect themselves when they humiliate other humans.

Mahatma Gandhi

I’m told no one can hurt you unless you let them. Sounds great in theory, yet if you hammer a nail into a piece of wood and pull it out, there is still the hole left from the nail.

Every little or big piece of “shaming” has a impact on a child’s/person’s self esteem, self worth and it stacks up chipping away each time till the child/person can take no more. Let’s all realise this and start encouraging, each other, building up rather than tearing down. There is no right way to do anything. Let’s all just have fun and allow each other to enjoy life. It’s a gift for us all to enjoy.

Life is best lived by being bold and daring. People tend to grow fearful when they taste failure, face a daunting challenge or fall ill. Yet that is precisely the time to become even bolder. Those who are victors at heart are the greatest of all champions.

Daisaku Ikeda

PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE and culture

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This is a controversial topic.  So many have an opinion as to what “physical discipline” is.

Yes, it is controversial topic isn’t it?
Different definition has been used in different context to different degree.

any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light

United Nation Committee on the Rights of the Child

Psychological aggression refers to the action of shouting, yelling or screaming at a child, as well as calling a child offensive names, such as ‘dumb’ or ‘lazy’. Physical (or corporal) punishment is an action intended to cause physical pain or discomfort, but not injuries. Physical punishment is defined as shaking the child, hitting or slapping him/her on the hand/arm/leg, hitting him/her on the bottom or elsewhere on the body with a hard object, spanking or hitting him/her on the bottom with a bare hand, hitting or slapping him/her on the face, head or ears, and beating him/her over and over as hard as possible.

UNICEF

There is “smacking” and there is “hitting”.  One more violent than the other.  Yet, it’s often used as punishment for an action that is not seen as acceptable.  For example,  smacking a child for hurting another child.  How does that make sense?  How can it be ok for an adult to hit and a child not to.

Let’s see how physical discipline or also known as corporal punishment impact on a life. Well, it did impact my life somehow.

I learned discipline from my father. Not in terms of corporal ... - ReadBeach.com

And how confusing for the child to be hit for hitting ??

Physical discipline was a usual strategy of dispciline during my childhood. Well, not only because my parents was grown up in such culture, it was seen acceptable to some degree by the society. After years of searching why I had to go through such punishments, I have learned my parents didn’t know any alternative ways discipline us because that was how they were raised. It took me a long time to accept that.

Let me share an experience of cultural differences and physical discipline.

As I was raised aborad, I did not encounter any physical discipline from my primary school teacher. When I visited my counsin who resided at my mother country, she shared with her painful experience of physical discipline at school. She said that she was punished because she didn’t answer correctly in a test. The consequence was that she was smacked by stick on her hands for number of questions she was incorrectly answered. She said that her hands were swollen for days, she couldn’t eat with chopsticks and couldn’t play piano for days. She was devastated.

Now, this is her experience three decades ago. Eventually, teachers are not allowed to employ physical discipline to their students any more yet it was a common practice back then.

Let me share my only story.
I have completed my primary school education in a country where physical punishment was generally seen as inappropriate. One day, we had two fellow students who failed to participate in cleaning, which was part of everyday activity at school. Obviously, my teacher had to look for them all afternoon and still couldn’t find them. They failed to participate because they couldn’t stop playing and didn’t want to participate in cleaning. My teacher was so upset to the extent that he slapped the face of these two students. He explained why yet looking back now, this probably is inapprorpiate strategy.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Albert Einstein

Physical punishment was part of everyday life in my childhood. Well, I quickly learned how to avoid trouble and become very sneaky sometime.

I’ve recently read a article that talked about conditional love. That the action of telling a child to go to their room till they behave the way a parent or caregiver decides is giving the child the message that they will not be loved unless they do as they are told.

Yes, HJ. I can now said that I was carefully groomed by my parents as well. You need to behave in certain way, you need to achieve something to gain their love. You need to be… Yes the list was endless. I know a lot of them come from their hope for us. I wasted so much of my time telling them “I am not the daughter they wished for.” I guess, I wanted them to understand and accept that, and love me again. Now, I am presenting to them who I am and I am okay if they didn’t like how I present to them.

Pin on So Funny, So True (and Stupid people too) :)

And above all, children need our unconditional love – whether they succeed or make mistakes; when life is easy and when life is tough

Barack Obama

I will admit I “smacked” my child when she was young.  It made no difference to her behaviour. Thankfully I learnt that there are so may other ways to teach our children social behaviour, acceptable behaviour in so many different situations.  I also learnt how to talk to our children and to look at what is behind the behaviours.

In my years of lived experience, I’ve discovered most physical discipline comes from the parents/caregivers’ frustration, lack of understanding, and yes, anger.  We are the role models and are teaching our children this behaviour is acceptable so when our children get frustrated and angry, they act out as they have seen us do.

I learned physical discipline was seen as inappropriate when we arrived in Australia. One day at school, we have been told it is inappropriate and you as a child can report to the authority. I was shocked that I am entitled to do so. Well, did I abuse that previledge? Yes, I did. I told my mother that if you hit me again I am going to report. She did stopped using physical discipline eventually and I felt her frustration.

It may seem that parents teach the child, but in the end it is the other way around. Bringing up children is a way for parents to become complete themselves.

Daisaku Ikeda

The only time I remember being “smacked” as a child was when my mother slapped my face when I was about 13.  I told her I hated her and a few other things and the next thing I knew.  We were both shocked.  It made me hate her more.

Physical violence was part of my growing up as I had an older brother who thought hitting, kicking, tripping, pinching, flicking and practicing wrestling holds was funny.  He didn’t let up.  It wasn’t until around the same time (13 yrs) that I had had enough and pushed him back, he fell, and I got into trouble.

When we treat children with respect, they in turn learn how to respect other human beings.

Daisaku Ikeda

I’ve experienced physical “discipline” from a husband who thought it was what you did when you weren’t behaving as he wanted.  It’s the “battered wife syndrome” where you start to believe it’s your fault.  So very messed up. Thankfully I now know any kind of physical discipline is not acceptable. It’s abuse. He learnt this behaviour within his family unit growing up. Take a look at the “symptons” and see how these are showing up in your parenting and/or interaction with others.

Chapter Ten Violent Crimes - ppt download

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

Carl Gustav Jung

So you can just imagine what children are being taught by being “physically disciplined”?

To see children been hit around the head, or slapped way too hard or yelled at, or dragged around, really does break my heart. So see their spirit broken, their need for love and attention and this is what they are experiencing. This how they learn to behave and respond. Who would want that?

ADHD AWARENESS MONTH

We owe our children – the most vulnerable citizens in any society – a life free from violence and fear.

Nelson Mandela

How am I finding my VOICE within my ‘CULTURE’?

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For me, finding my voice within my culture was a continuous battle in life. It is a lifelong search for ‘who am I.” Yes, for me, it is linked to my identity, authenticity, and values.

What about you HJ? When do you think you have found your voice within your culture for the first time?

Great question Lily. Really need to think about this one. As a child I was raised to keep quiet and at the very least keep my opinions to myself. I found my voice when I had had enough of being bullied. Around the age of 13 after years and years of physical bullying from one of my brothers, I had had enough and remember using a self defense move I had learnt and he ended up on the floor. I stood over him and told him to “not touch me again”. I guess that was the first time.

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.

Mahatma Gandhi
Sometimes You Gotta Be Your Own Hero | Self Help Daily

I said, it is a continuous battle in life, because I have experienced change in my voice as I grow up. As I have chosen my values in life, my voice had changed too. Yes, until I have found myself, identity, and authenticity, I was confused about my voice.

Yes, I so hear you with “as your values change so does your voice”. I would not say it’s been a battle to use my voice. For me many times it’s been to control it. I am very vocal around injustice, abuse, neglect, lack of understanding, judgement, bigotry and on and on the list goes. As I’ve got older I hope a little wiser and less radical.

As I was exposed to different culture, I was confused with different views of the world. Yes, I was lost in the culture. I have a particular way of laughing. Some people said they love how I laugh while others couldn’t stop offering an alternative perspective.

Oh yes Lily I hear you with this one too. Growing up, if you did laugh it had to be quietly and “lady like” whatever that is and at something “appropriate”. Definitely not at another’s misfortune.


So, how did I find my voice? Let me illustrate how my voice changed across the time.

Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you don’t matter, or like you don’t have a place in our American story – because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.

Michelle Obama

One day, I was visiting my mother country and stayed with my maternal auntie. She didn’t really like how I laugh. The following was her argument.

Lily, you know what? I went to a group tour with a Professor, not long ago. In our group, there was a girl, who laugh like you did now. Do you know what Professor said? He said that “She (girl who laughs fully) is disgracing and shaming her family.” So, I think you shouldn’t laugh like that. It doesn’t suit you at all.

I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I grow up in a culture where girls need to be quiet, passive, and never stand out from the crowd. Stand out from the crowd mean that you are likely to be ostracised from that community. Girls need to listen to their parents and husband. Girls were not to be a bread winner rather they are likely to be raised to support their husband. This was the culture I grow up. This phenomenon was engraved in my life.

Oh, if I can jump in here? You’ve shared this story with me before and I was so surprised. Yes, I too was raised to be quiet, passive and not stand out, yet you have a wonderfully infectious laugh and always makes me happy and relieves any stress or concern at the time. It’s so sad for you to have been told this. It’s so sad to think we are still raising our children (especially girls) to not laugh out loud. To not stand out. To not be expressive how ever that is for them. I’m so glad you happily laugh these days. Well atleast around me. I love it.

77,000+ Happy people Free Stock Photos - StockFreeImages

So, back to my story with my auntie. When I heard her suggestion for the first time, I gave in to her perspective. I allowed it to take over my belief and value in life. I felt it was my fault that I can’t control my own expression. I felt I wasn’t enough for her to be acknowledged. I was hurt yet I didn’t know how to stay true to myself.

What a confusing time for you. This is what can stop us from blossoming as our unique selves and started the spiral of low self esteem and self worth. It’s been called a form of “conditional love”. Behave as I tell you to or I won’t love you.

Yes, HJ, I think we met around this time. I was confused, discouraged and disorted. I was lost in myself.
Who am I? Who am I meant to be? Who can I be? Who shall I be?

And totally understandable. How could you know who you are or who you can be when you’ve been conditioned to believe you have to act in a certain way to be loved and accepted.

Always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals.

Michelle Obama

Returning to Australia, I commenced my journey of self-discovery. Well, I was searching for an answer and strategy so I can stay true to myself. I wanted to gain confidence in myself. Cut the long story short, after I found myself, I have realised how I really wanted to react at the above situation with my auntie.

Well, two years later, I had an opportunity to react with same auntie, same situation. Once again, she had repeated her perspective. Trying very hard to convince me to give in. Instead of letting it go and giving in, I was ready to explain why I express my joy in my laughter.

Thank you auntie for your concern about how others may comment about me when they hear my laughter. As I grew up, I had a period of time when I have lost myself. I have also lost how to freely express my feelings. Coming out of that expreience, I have decided to live my life with freely expressing my feelings. I want to express my joy fully when I feel joyful. I want to express my sadness fully when I feel sad. So, thank you for your suggestion. I have decided to embrace and express my feelings. I will share my feeling with whom I want to share and what I want to share.

She didn’t know what to say yet I was very surprised with myself that I was willing to share my perspective with her. I was surprised that was one of the value I held inside my heart. Only then, I understand why I felt I was hurt. More I think about it, I was very proud of myself that I finally found strength to standing up for myself.

Well done Lily. And very brave and courageous. To stand in your personal power, to BE who you are and live your values. How freeing that must have felt and a wonderful boost to your self esteem and self worth. Yes, it also gives a greater understanding and to be made aware of the hurt you had been carrying around? Have you now been able to let that go? and to be able to forgive your Auntie as she was probably just carrying on a old outdated behaviour. Has her comments changed towards now?

Find your voice | Inspirational words, Quotes, Relationship quotes

This is how I have found my voice in my culture. Yes, it took me a while to find my own voice that was in my heart.

May you live in such a way that others will say, “She is a woman who, though ordinary, somehow stands out, and has a beautiful story to tell.”

Daisaku Ikeda

How your life has changed now you are being true to you? Finding your voice and standing up for yourself. It’s something we all need to do at some stage in our lives. It can be a slow process and sometimes does not go as well as we intend, yet it’s important to value ourselves enough to know we do have a voice and can use it. Being able to do that even when “criticised” or “judged” or any other reaction, to know it’s not about us, it’s about them.

You are responsible for what you say and do. you are not responsible for whether or not people fr… | Badass quotes, Believe in yourself quotes, Inspirational quotes

FUN & PLAY as adults – the benefits

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Yesterday I saw a man skipping with his granddaughter. The look on their faces was priceless. It was beyond happy.

I love watching those scenes where adults are willing to play with kids. Not because they still play with them, for me, it’s about sharing that moment of life together. It is the fact people understand the value of time together.

Many years ago, I lost both of my maternal grandparents. As I was living abroad, spending time with them were very precious. Even though at the time, I didn’t really appreciated it. I just didn’t like the way they have treated me. Well, I realised it was just the cultural differences.

After they have died, memory had flashed back. Yes, those time we spend together. My grandparents were quite strict yet they treated me in the best way they knew. There were so much to learn from them how they survived the second world war, how they nurtured six children, how they grieved loss of their second son, and how much they have emphasised the importance of the education. They told me not to giving in to my second best. If I have decided to try something out, give it all to do my best.

The greatest gift that you can give to others and to yourself is time. Embrace the gift of time whether you give it or receive it.

Philip Zimbardo

What is it about that stops us from being the kid and just being the child. It’s so much about “what will others say” or “don’t be embarrassing”. This one is really sad in my world. How can having fun be embarrassing?

Well, isn’t that matter of listening to the external world? Or giving in to external voices?
Let me share an experience with you.

My brother and myself, we grow up in the same culture. We responded differently to the situation though. One night we, his family and myself, went out to the market on Friday night. There were band music everywhere and because I knew the tune, I start dancing, singing, and enjoying the music. I always admired those who can dance in front of others, near the stage, yet, I never had that courage nor I really wanted to dance in front of others.

My brother saw that and said “How embarrassing? Have you thought of your age?”
I responded “Really? I am enjoying the music, atmosphere so much! I love this!!”
Then, he probably gave up or didn’t know what to say. Well, I was enjoying it.

A sense of playfulness is the best defence against taking yourself too serious.

Peter Kai Chang

“Gay abandon” was a term used for those who stopping worrying about what others thought and just “abandoned” the restrictions of what was seen as appropriate behaviour for your age. This term has now been changed to “joyful abandon” due to the meaning now given to the word “gay”.

I never come across that term. I think I know the essence, “joyful abandon”.
Let me share another experience when I felt the difference in the culture.

One morning, I had to do a fasting blood test in my mother country. I was travelling by myself and stayed with my auntie. On the way back from hospital, I had my favourite breakfast in my hand, she had to urgently stop by automotive service because she felt something is not right. There were some chairs that were used by the staff, which were unoccupied at the time, so she, and the staff, told me to take the chair and have my breakfast. I really appreciated the offer because I was so hungry and I really wanted to enjoy my faviourte breakfast when it is still warm.

After I took their offer and started enjoying my breakfast, my auntie said “See, kids raised abroad are so different to home grown one. If we offer the same thing, home grown one will curse us and will never start eating their breakfast.” Staff agreed to her comment.

It took me awhile to realise what she had said because it was a natural behaviour for me to accept the offer. Yes, I was hungry!! Yes, it was cultural difference between raised abroad and home grown!! Well, What’s wrong with raised abroad? I had no choice! and I appreciate been reaised abroad though.

The very essence of playfulness is an opennness to anything that may happen, the feeling that whatever happens, it’s okay … you’re either free to play, or you’re not.

John Cleese

It almost like you are supposed to stop playing and have fun as you get older. This is why I so love being around children and animals as they have no restrictions on themselves until the adults tell them to stop. Why do we do that? Use those terms “don’t be silly” “stop embarrassing me” and more.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and experience with this one.

This is a bit different to playing but let me try to share my experience with listening to children songs.

One day, I was listening to a child song. It was one of my favourites, I grow up with. I listen to it over and over again, time to time. It was an anime song that only little children watch. You know what? Some of those lyrics are just amazing. It taught me a lot about life and how to navigate through tough times. Everytime I listen to it, it told me to pick up myself and keep going. Yes, it is in my music list all the time.

My niece, who was about to turn eight, asked “Why do you still listen to such a childish song? Grown up people should listen to those kiddy songs.”
I turned to her and replied “Have you read its lyrics yet?”
She replied “No. Why should I?”
I responded with a smile “If you have a chance, please do because it taught me important lessons in life and I feel courageous after listening to it. I feel I can try again to those things I couldn’t do yesterday.”

Cut the long story short, she searched the lyrics and now it has been added to her favourites as well. Good songs are remembered beyond generations.

The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age.

Aldous Huxley

So often we are told the play is crucial to a child’s development, then why do we stop as we get older? When does the importance of our development stop? In my world, when we die. I will never stop “developing”.

Yes, HJ. I feel the same way too.
Playing with my niece and nephews, I learn so much from playing with them. I want to run with them, being silly with them and joke with them too! Well, I know one day they will grow up too. Ohhh.

I have an auntie who I contact every now and then. We will catch up over coffee or a meal. Our relationship is a bit like this. She allows me to joke around, make fun. We don’t run around any more though.

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.

Fred Rogers

Once you stop learning, you start dying.

Albert Einstein

My researcher “hat” went on and I thought I would share a little of what I’ve found

Relieve stress. Play is fun and can trigger the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.

Improve brain function. Playing chess, completing puzzles, or pursuing other fun activities that challenge the brain can help prevent memory problems and improve brain function. The social interaction of playing with family and friends can also help ward off stress and depression.

Stimulate the mind and boost creativity. Young children often learn best when they are playing—a principle that applies to adults, as well. You’ll learn a new task better when it’s fun and you’re in a relaxed and playful mood. Play can also stimulate your imagination, helping you adapt and solve problems.

Improve relationships and your connection to others. Sharing laughter and fun can foster empathy, compassion, trust, and intimacy with others. Play doesn’t have to include a specific activity; it can also be a state of mind. Developing a playful nature can help you loosen up in stressful situations, break the ice with strangers, make new friends, and form new business relationships.

Keep you feeling young and energetic. In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” Play can boost your energy and vitality and even improve your resistance to disease, helping you function at your best.

I must admit I do struggle to “do” fun things as I don’t want to be seen as “silly” and yet with children and animals I have not problem with getting back in touch with my inner child.

Wouldn’t it be a “hoot” if we could see and “allow” ourselves to just be child like whenever we feel like it without being “shamed”? If only for our mental, physical, spiritual health?

My aim these days is to enjoy every moment to my fullest. It is not so much about playing yet I am having so much fun!! Yes, I have found, it is my fortune to live such everyday life.

The creative mind is the playful mind. Philosophy is the play and dance of ideas.

Eric Hoffer

WHAT IS AUTHENTICITY? Let’s unpack

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Authenticity is a concept in psychology, existential psychiatry, existentialist philosophy and aesthetics. In existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which a person’s actions are congruent with their beliefs and desires, despite external pressures to conformity. 

Wikipedia

This is an interesting topic to discuss and share personal opinions and beliefs. So excited to hear your thoughts of this Lily.

Yes, HJ. This is an interesting topic indeed. So, what is “authenticity”??
Let’s see what we unpack in this topic.

Be fearlessly authentic.

Bravely be you.

I so love this quote. For me it’s the being “brave enough”. Living authentically can at times, in my expereincce be a “lonely” place to live.

For me, following quote explains how I perceive authenticity.

Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency, and integrity.

Janet Louise Stephenson

I grow up in a culture expressing your vulnerability was greatly discouraged. Yes, I thought it was a bad thing to show others your “weakness”. I used to complain “I don’t think anyone really understanding me [including my weakness/vulnerability].” Now I know why because it wasn’t something I tend to show others. Some may say I am a private person. Other may say I am a naive person. I say I didn’t know how to express my vulnerability to others.

Only years later, when I gathered my courage and started showing my vulnerability to others, I realised that it actually wasn’t my weakness. Showing my vulnerability to others was actually become a strength in life. By showing my vulnerability I allowed myself to accept help from others. Because of accepting help from others, I can grow and advance further than I have ever imagined.

Many times I’ve felt so much the “black sheep” yet knew, again from past experience, trying to fit in where I don’t belong takes too much energy and is a struggle who I truly am.

Growing up it was all about fitting in, don’t stand out, be what you are “supposed to be”, “don’t rock the boat”. None of this sat well with me and I truly struggled to fit where I was supposed to.

I am hearing you HJ.
Experiencing different culture during my childhood and early adulthood, I tried very hard to “fit in” to the culture I was in at that given moment. The harder I tried, the further I stood out. I was just so different. I was confused. I was receiving contradictory guidance of “what I suppose to be” and eventually I have lost myself.

This concept of “lost of myself” was so strong in the majority part of my life until now. If you remember HJ, when we first me few years ago, I was a person “lost of who I am”. Very interesting to make this comment to others and majority of people answered “You are Lily.”

Yes, I know. That’s my name but who is ‘Lily’. What does she like to do? act? behave? or what does she present herself? To some extent, I hated the fact I don’t have the answer to these questions. I was lost. I didn’t know where I was heading, where I am going, what were my values in life. I really wanted someone to give me an instruction book or guidebook and say “This is who you are. This is what you were born to achieve in this lifetime. These are your life lessons planned for you. This is your life”. Well, no such miracle happened so far.

Growing up when I did (born 1955) choices for women was limited. Back in those day women could not work when pregnant and in a few industries, you could not work if you married. I remember too, which today sounds ridiculous, women could not wear trousers in the workforce. The list just goes on and on. It’s no wonder so many women born in the 50’s ad 60’s still struggle to get in touch with, let alone live authentically.

I know some of the culture still live in those values.
So, what does “living authentically meant to you?”

What is Authenticity? What Does it Mean to Be Authentic on the Internet?
How to Develop Authenticity
Here are some tips to help you find and express your authentic self.
1. Observe yourself objectively to develop authenticity. Learn to observe yourself like a fly on the wall. Watch yourself as you live in the present moment, observing how your “Adaptive Self” behaves, what it believes, how it reacts under pressure, and how it responds to challenges. Practice noticing which of these responses feel authentic, and which ones feel inauthentic. By identifying which responses are adaptive vs authentic, you can begin to notice the falseness and begin to see the glimmers of truth underneath.

2. Examine family belief systems to develop authenticity. Most people were raised in some sort of “family-style” environment during their earliest, most vulnerable years. Think back to episodes in your childhood, episodes that led you to stop being your authentic self and instead adopt some other way of existing in this world. By examining where our behaviors come from, we can learn a lot about our authentic selves.

3. Open a dialogue between the Adaptive Self and the Authentic Self. Invite the two aspects of yourself—the Adaptive Self and the Authentic Self—to have a discussion as part of a meditation or thought exercise. Respectfully introduce both: Thank the Adaptive Self for helping you function through some difficult and confusing times, and thank the Authentic Self for helping you feel whole, real, and self-confident.

Now invite each part of yourself to share. Ask a question, mentally, while urging each side to express itself fully, and then listen patiently to the responses. Encourage dialogue so that you may comprehend both points of view.
Try to be open to what both sides have to say, as they may reveal things you’re not expecting. For example, the Authentic Self may be afraid of rejection and therefore afraid to come forward. Or your Adaptive Self may be caretaking, trying to protect you from feeling hurt in the ways you’ve been hurt in the past. These parts of ourselves are running our lives this way for a reason. In this exercise, try to figure out what those reasons are. This may help you understand why you act the way you do, so you can decide if you truly want to act differently.

I decided to reference the above from Positive Psychology. It’s my go to when wanting more information and the psychological perspective. I included it here as I felt I didn’t need to “reinvent the wheel”.

I am a good fun of positive psychology too.
Yes, I must admit, I had many conversation with myself, adaptive self and authentic self. I acknowledge the existence of both within me. I really appreciate the protection of adaptive self in my life. I thanks to my authentic self checking-in every now and then, making sure I am moving in the direction my heart sing. I now allowed my authentic self to take the driver’s seat and my adaptive self to check-in every now and then for the safety. I love my life.

A privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

Carl Jung

Now I need to understanding how our “Adaptive Self” fits in all this. The following is from Mindful Muses an article by By Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC

The difference between utilizing the false self in an adaptive way versus a maladaptive way has to do with both our awareness of its attributes and sense of congruence between our social masks and our core values.

When we are aware of the many sides of ourselves we are able to gain a sense of ownership and mastery over when and how we choose to show these sides.  When we are in control of what part of ourselves we choose to show, the false self is no longer foreign and detached: our social masks become congruent and integrated.  We are whole.

Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC


For many years in my life, this is what I have struggled for. One day, I realised that I wear a mask in a certain situation and another one in another. I felt both were “me” indeed while both were NOT true “me”. I struggled between those masks that I have created along the way to protect myself.

One day, a person told me that “It is okay to choose what to share with whom you want to share your life with.” It shed the light on my confusion of having multiple masks. Until then, I thought I need to share my “whole” life with others who were in my inner circle of friendship yet I also knew it is impossible for a person to know my inside-out. I felt upset when they didn’t react in the way I “expected” them to. Similarly, I was so scared of people’s judgement call on my reaction too.

I now understand it is their problem how they want to react to my comment. I am responsible for my own act and behaviour. When I reflect at the end of the day, I would pose a question to myself “if I have second chance or in the same situation again, would I do it differently? would I say it differently?” Majority of the time, I wouldn’t because I have given my best shot at that given point of time.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Brene Brown

I’m still having my moments. I am at a stage in life where I am aligned with my authentic self that I can show up as me. I know not everyone will “agree” with how I live my life, my opinions, my beliefs and values and that’s ok. I am continually growing, changing, learning, developing and reassessing, reevaluating and changing with each day, each connection, and embracing it all as a great ride.

Yes, I am proud lifelong learner too.
Let me share a quote with you. This is a quote posing a question I ask myself often when I self-doubt my progress in life.

Before comparing yourself with others, win the battle with yourself. Strive to be better today than yesterday and better tomorrow than today.

Daisaku Ikeda

YOU ARE A VERB

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We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing – an actor, a writer. I am a person who does things, write, act, and never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.

Stephen Fry

This is a very interesting quote HJ.

This is such a huge belief for me.

There are no labels for who I am. I am action, I am always learning, growing, sharing, challenging, serving. I’ve always seen myself as a human BEing first DOing extraordinary everyday things.

I resonate with above quote too.
It is indeed. I am a verb.
Even though I believed that I am a human being, it was quite hard to believe in that when I was lost in my identity.
I needed to see myself as a noun first before I can start seeing myself as a verb.
I can now appreciate, “I” am the person who do all those things I enjoy in life. In other words, I am in control of my life that I live now.

After that, well I guess others need to label me, female, woman, daughter, sister, wife, mother, speakers, teacher, netballer, mentor etc.

Yes. This list I belive this list can go on and on.
Sometime it is about the situation, other times it is about your role and social position. It is a convenience for others, I guess.

A genuinely happy person is one who has rendered others happy.

Daisaku Ikeda

I had a very interesting conversation with my sister-in-law one day. I admire her ability to juggle everything in the family which I am yet to have a taste. I was amaze by her ability to be so thoughtful about every member in the family. So I simply expressed that to her.

Me: I admire those who have married and able to care for others like you do. I guess, because I am yet to master that I am yet to be married.
Sister-in-law: No. It is not about whether you are married. It is regardless of whether you are single or married or whatever other status in life, you are happy.

I was stunned for a bit and knew she’s right. Yes, it is not about my status, in other word noun. It is whether I am happy where I am, in other word verb.

ok, let’s see what else I’ve been.

singer, piano player, painter, builder, landscaper, potter, gardener, writer, oh this is fun, trainer, embroiderer, knitter, seamstress, renovator, collector, reader, artist, jeweller, chocolatier, taxation consultant, bookkeeper, executive assistance, bursar, bar improver (loved that label), bar maid, cleaner, home carer, coordinator of crisis services, administrator of bequest funds, client services officer, education officer, project officer, special education support worker, behaviour modification trainer, netball coach, hostess, event coordinator, wedding coordinator, mediator, advocate, freedom fighter.

I am always fascinated by your background. I can gurantee you are a unique human being in this world.

All these things and more are things I’ve done not who I am.

I remember I had a dialogue with a friend saying that “I am more complex then those nouns can describe. I am who I am yet it is indescribeable who I am.”

Everything begins with the resolve to take the first step. From that action, wisdom arises and change begins. Without action, nothing changes.

Daisaku Ikeda

Oh yes, I am a VERB and my life is a VERB.

Yes.Yes.Yes! | Best quotes, Great quotes, Greatful

I learned that change only happens when ordinary people get involved, engaged, and come together to demand it.

Barack Obama

I DON’T FIT IN

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I do know it’s not just a cultural “thing”.

HJ, I don’t think it is just a cultural “thing”. I think it might be beyond just a cultural “thing”.

There has been so many times I’ve felt this way here in my home country Australia and when overseas.

Is it a cultural “thing” or an emotional/feeling “thing”.

A very good question. I battled with this feeling of “don’t fit in” for the most time of my life. Well, moving from a country to another, it was difficult to secure my identity. Only recently I realised not only people like me, who moved from a country to another, will have such feeling of “don’t fit in”. I realised people who never left the country they’ve born may also feel that.

It can be difficult to fit in even when you speak the language, understand the culture and know “what’s expected” yet add to that not being able to speak the language, understand the culture and not know what’s expected and all this can keep you “locked away” not wanting to find others who feel the same way.

Well, I guess, it is not just speak the language, understand the culture, and know “what’s expected”. For me, it was finding the balance between been unique while you are similar to others. For me, it was about belongingness. Where do I belong? Where can I belong? Who do I belong? Not able to find an answer to these questions lead me to a quest: Who am I?

I have experienced a culture which embraced the notion of been ordinary. When you are different, you have been tagged as an “odd” person. I didn’t like to be an “odd” person so I tried everything I can to fit in. Yet, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I tried, I was still an “odd” person who was different to the majority of the people around me at the time. At the same time, I was starting to accepting my history of being an immigrant, yet I still wanted to be accepted to that culture. Well, yes, I was trying to solve unsolvable question.

As my background of living in different countries was a unique experience, I saw it as a flaw rather than a uniqueness. It took me a long time to start embracing it as my uniqueness. It wasn’t a present experience when you are battling with constant rejection, exclusion and elimination.

I didn’t like group works because I didn’t know how to contribute. I didn’t like people asking me questions because I don’t have an answer for them. I didn’t like parties because majority of time I don’t know what they are talking about. It might due to lack of language proficiency yet it was more than that. It was that feeling of insecurity of not belonging to anywhere.

We all have ability.

The difference is how we use it.

Stevie Wonder

This brings me to expanding our language around those emotions and feelings to understand more about what’s going on. English speaking people still don’t have an expansive language around emotions and feelings so I can only image how difficult it would be for those who feel their English is “not good” let alone trying to understand the meanings of the words.

Yes, HJ. That’s what I meant. So what is it? I had so much trouble understand what do they, I mean each word, really mean.

I thought I would include a list and see how many you are confident with using.

This is a very interesting figure. I can recognise some words that I use often and others that I never heard before. Well, at the same time, some words I have different meaning attached to it.

The isolation can bring with it so many other issues.

Yes. Isolation can be very lonely. I used to live in a large city away from my family. Population density of that city was higher than where my family were. I still felt lonely and isolated. That was the first time I felt I was lost in the big city. I don’t know who to turn to. I don’t know where to go to. I was happy in my own little shell yet hoped someone to get me out of the hole.

And then there are our children. Trying to fit in, learn the language and all the different terms for things.

Yes. I went through that. It was a long battle finding myself.

Just as cherry, plum, peach and damson blossoms all possess their own unique qualities, each person is unique. We cannot become someone else. The important thing is that we live true to ourselves and cause the great flower of our lives to blossom.

Daisaku Ikeda

I have taught migrants English and basic maths for over thirty years and have discovered people from other countries are so intelligent and have a wicked sense of humour and great stength when you give them a chance.

I saw my parents do that. I mean when they decided to migrate to Australia, they were willing to do anything to make this move work. They tried everything they can. Grabbed any job they were offered. Eventually, they slowly found their way.

Discussing the “difficulties” and “no particular rules” to learning English has been a joy for me and so much fun for the “migrants”. Many became family for each other and many welcomed me into their family and culture. When learning is fun, it changes everything. There is no longer the expectation of trying to be “perfect”.

Having travelled extensively, I do understand how isolating it can be and I’ve also experienced the love and generosity of so many. This has always been something I’ve wanted to do here in Australia, regardless of where a person was born of the culture they were born into.

I think you have successfully done so. I think you have told me how to kindly ask when I don’t know. It was an eye opening experience discovering I enforced so much boundaries and expectations on myself that others didn’t really care. It took me a lot of courage, reframing and questioning of what each word mean to that person who have used it.

Building a persons ability to communicate, and even more so their self esteem to not give up and remember in many cases it’s not about them, it’s about the inability of others to understand.

One huge lesson I’ve learnt is that if you are feeling you “don’t fit in” then you probably don’t. Harsh maybe, yet why waste your valuable time and energy where it’s not being appreciated or valued.

What I have learned from my experience?
I have learned to belong to me, myself. Regardless of external groups that I may belong or not to, I belong to myself. After discovering where I belong to, I am firmly grounded on who I am which allowed me to discover beyond my comfortable zone. Only then I felt, it is okay I may not belong or fit in. It is just a spice in life.

People who are rooted in the here and now, who are not defeated by their limitations, who don’t compare themselves to others, who confidently advance along their chosen path – such people are happy, such people are truly great.

Daisaku Ikeda

My experience has shown me that when you do this, you miss opportunities to connect with “like minded” souls. It can be a lonely time while you are “out there” looking for “like minded” souls yet, it’s for the long term and you meet so many different people and learn more about who are “your people”. They are there.

Until you find them, keep believing you have so much to contribute to this world and even if you are “struggling” to fit in, remember you already do. BE you and they will come.

If it doesn't open, it's not your door!” (3.25.19) | Life path quotes, Daughter love quotes, Wisdom quotes

GENDER ROLES – Woman’s V Man’s

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from goodlifegoodchoices.org

“Man up!”

“That’s not very ladylike.”                     

“You throw like a girl!”

The vast majority of us have heard and said statements like these many times – statements that direct or judge actions based on gender. Our ideas about how men and women are supposed to act, their strengths and weaknesses and the types of choices they should make can greatly impact our self-concept, or how we see ourselves. Self-concept is a key factor in the choices we make, since it determines what we see as right, and even as possible, for ourselves. When ideas about our gender unconsciously influence our self-concept, we run the risk of guiding our lives by assumptions that, when exposed to the light of conscious thought, might turn out to be wrong. This is why it’s important to think critically about gender ideas and how they influence our decision-making.

While thinking about this article I remembered being brought up to believe a good wife and mother keeps a good home. Does all the house work, and looks after the man.

My mother was one role model. She kept a strict home and the men were to be looked after. That was my Father and my three brothers. My role was to learn to cook, clean, sew, iron (everything), and learn how to keep the men happy. They were allowed to enjoy themselves while I had to learn to do all these things “properly”.

What was it like for you Lily, growing up as a woman? Were you expected to learn how to be a good wife and mother and what that meant?

What an interesting topic HJ. My mum might hold such thought “being a good wife and mother to keep a good home”, yet moving to different places made it difficult to hold on to it. I guess, my mother was raised in an unique family where girls were also encouraged to obtain higher education. I know how she struggled to fit into “home” so she did not enforce that to us. (Recently, she said she regret not teaching myself and my sister about housework though)

In the culture I grew up, yes, there is a certain societal expectation that you get married by certain age, start your own family, raise the children, look after your family. That is the destiny to be born as a woman leading to the happiness of woman. My mum certainly hold such believe yet she is quite accpeting of ‘new’ ways of life that women can now ‘choose’.

I think this goes back to my maternal grandmother. She has raised seven children, majority to become healthcare professionals, except my mother who has chosen engineering. My maternal grandmother had been recorgnised for her mothering and have been awarded for her effort.

Successful mothers are not the one who have never struggled. They are the ones who never give up, despite the struggles.

Sharon Jaynes

My mother was the second youngest and the youngest girl in the family. So, she hardly had to engage with housework. When she got married to my father, she struggled because she married to the eldest son, meaning that she had to help my paternal grandmother to run and manage the house with three younger sister-in-laws and brother-in-law to take care of. They were still in their schooling. Not only that, she had difficult time adapting to the new way of being a woman in the family.

None of this sat well with me and yet I was not given any other alternatives. It was the ultimate for any girl/woman, to keep and good home and raise a family and be a good wife. I never really knew what that all meant. It didn’t sit well with me. Give up my life for everyone else and what ever I wanted to be, do, was not as important as what the men wanted.

I believe that was what my mother experienced too. She hated cooking (she told me later in life), she hated cleaning in the [ancient] way (as she called then) my paternal grandmother told her to. Even during her pregnancy, she had been asked to wipe the three-starry house kneel down, wipe cloth on the hand, including all the steps. She said that was torture days in her life.

When I married for the first time (yes, I’ve been married twice and divorced twice and that’s another story for another time) I tried my best to cook, clean, keep a home, allow my husband to do what he wanted and look my best at all times I was with him. I gave up my life for him, and he loved it. So much so, he saw other women, was always out with his buddies and did very little around the home. Even when our daughter was born, he didn’t give up his life. It wasn’t until he met another women and she became pregnant that our marriage ended.

In the 70’s women could not continue to work if they married in some industries and definitely could not continue to work when pregnant.

I heard about such stories still exist in many modern Asian countries around the world. I wonder why in some countries their birth rate continuous to fall because the society is not supporting women back into their workforce. I can see some sort of improvement over time though.

My second marriage (eight years later) was very different. I was not going to be the one that did all the “woman’s” work and it was about sharing. He could cook, clean just a well as I could and I could work in the garden, build, renovate, paint etc just as well as he could. We had a relationship where there were no male or female roles.

A Relationship With No Gender Roles love love quotes quotes quote relationship quotes love images rel… | Relationship goals quotes, Relationship quotes, Goal quotes

I don’t understand why it’s taken for granted still today that women work in the home and men outside. Even with women working outside the home, in many cases they are still expected to care for children, wash, clean, cook etc.

Isn’t that fascinating? I wonder whether it was a lead-role for woman or we have been groomed in such a way we have become better in performing those roles. Having said that, at a stage of my life, I really believed in that gender-based family roles.

How are we raising our children? Why would we not teach them to be able to look after themselves, a home, another person without the old fashion gender roles.

It is fascinating what we potray to children about this gender-roles without any intention that you are potraying gender-roles to them.

One day, I was talking to my niece about something. She said “Well, I am a girl so I should do x, y, and z.” I was shocked and looked at her and said “not really. You have a choice not to do x, y, and z.” She thought about it for a while and rephrased “I want to do x, y, and z.”

This was an example of when I realised, as an adult, how much influence I have on children. Well, yes, I know watch very carefully of my thoughts and comments by questionning where did I get such perspectives from. Is it real? Is it true? Is it just my imagination? or is it just my perspective?

Gender Stereotypes in the Media | The Pedagogy Princess

It’s not about who is at home all the time. Who is raising the children. Who is responsible for household duties.

Why can not all this be shared and worked out between the people involved?

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SKIN COLOUR

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I was reminded today by a friend how she worries about her skin being too dark.

She wants fairer skin. In her culture fair skin is considered to be so special and much sort after by suiters. So much so that she covers her skin completely when going outside. She also uses shin lightening creams hoping for her beautiful skin to be lighter.

Is the colour of your skin an issue for you Lily in your culture?
And if it is who do you deal with that?

That is a very interesting concept HJ.
|Yes, in the culture I grow up, they prefereed fairer skin. As a child, I always had a fair skin. Well, it was harder for me to ‘bake’ myself, I believed. However, as I get older, I have proved this is not true. It was the matter of the time.

When I return to my ‘mother country’ as a child, I saw my aunties cover themselves up, wearing everything they possibly can to protect themselves from sunburn. I always found amazed on how they keep wearing it in such humid and hot weather.

This perception has changed when I started driving the car.
After learned how to drive a car, I started to wear long sleeves to cover my arms and blanket to cover my feet. It is to protect myself from sun, not really sunburn though. I realised that cover myself up in thin layer of cloths are much cooler than when I do not wear them.

Me on the other hand while growing, up wanting tanned skin. It was considered healthy. In my youth tanned skin made you look better. Whatever than meant. Tanned and blonde was considered “sexy” and a look we all wanted to achieve.

I was always lying in the sun on the beach. My life was outside and I so enjoyed getting a “touch of the sun” and the browner the better.

I had a friend who shared her skin story with me once. She was from similar culture of mine, fairer skin is better than darker skin.
In comparison to the other general public, she naturally had tanned/darker skin. Her sisters had fairer skin and she hated her tanned skin until she met her husband-to-be.
Her husband-to-be (now husband) is from Spain. According to her, Spanish people, like you HJ, prefer to have tanned skin. So, him and his family was fond of her skin. Only then, she started to accept her skin colour and who she is.

The color of a person’s skin had nothing to do with the content of their character.

Michael Jackson

It didn’t take me long to realise that people who had darker skin were considered less than the “white ones” and yet there were us, the white ones, trying to get dark skin.

That’s a different connotation. Isn’t it interesting how far we thought we have come along yet how far we thought we are behind of where we need to be.

Quotes About Skin. QuotesGram | Skins quotes, Skin care solutions, Good skin

I can remember a conversation I had with a friend of my older brothers who had dark skin and his surname was White. I think I was only around 6 or 7 years of age and I asked him why his name way White when his skin was dark? The innocence of children. He was so kind to me and told me his surname had nothing to do with his skin tone. That was enough for me. I moved on.

Yes innocence of children. Well, he was wise enough to answer you with what you need to hear at the time.

There should be no discrimination against languages people speak, skin color or religion.

Malala Yousafzai

Even with all the warnings that staying in the sun too long and getting sunburnt, is damaging out skin each time, and yet we still do it.

Now, my skin is sun damaged and I rarely expose my skin to the sun. I’m the older version of my Asian friends who want fair skin. I must admit I do prefer tanned skin, yet without the damage and skin cancers.

And then there are the people who have very fair skin and burn so easily and quickly and keep away from direct sun. I guess that’s why sun tanning salons are doing a booming business.

Okay, let’s take a moment and let me come from the scientist point of view.
Under the sun too long will be bad for you. Particularly for those who are living in places where ozone layer of the earth are damaged. Yes. Depending on your skin colour as well though, too much sun will increase your risk of skin cancer.

On the other hand, when you expose to sunlinght, your skin makes vitamin D from cholestrol. Vitamin D has many roles in the body such as it helps calcium and phosphate intake which are two minerals essential for maintaining strong and healthy bones. Low level of vitamin D can risk your health and wellbeing such as osteoporosis, cancer, and depression. Please note: There are other ways to take vitamin D such as food and supplements.

Funny how we are not satisfied with the way we are born. We always want to change something.

Isn’t that a proof we are human?

Skin colour seems to be an issue in all cultures. We either want to be darker while being prejudice against those who are naturally dark skinned. Or there are those who have “tanned” skin by birth and want to have lighter skin.

What was that old saying in English?
“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”
We often compare ourselves to others, envy or become jealouse of them. Yet, we are the unique being in this world.

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.

Harold Coffin

This phenomenon of colorism — exalting lighter skin and assigning it higher value, thereby reinforcing racial power imbalances — isn’t limited to South Asia, of course. A study on colorism among Black Americans found that darker skin correlated with “lower socioeconomic status, more punitive relationships with the criminal justice system, diminished prestige, and less likelihood of holding elective office.” And as is the case in America, skin color often helps determine social hierarchies and acceptance in the subcontinent. nbcnews.com

I was raised in a home that was filled from people and children from all walks of life and colours and abilities. I never saw anyone as different. We were just people, children, and had fun and enjoyed each others company.

The Importance of Skin “Color” | Gandalf Stormcrow

I still struggle to understand the prejudice other have against people of different “colours”. It almost as if that don’t have the same feelings, struggles, as the rest of us. It’s so too often them and us.

Let me elaborate on that.
For me, it was about fear of entering unknown. It was lack of courage to expose myself to the outside world. It was fear of being judged, exluded, incarcerated, and isolated.

In one of my early days in Australia, I was discussing similar matter with my English tutor. He said “Look, not only you who have migrated to Australia feels that. I as a mainstream, caucasian Australian, I feel fear towards newcomers too! But, I overcome such fear by approached them, talk to them. When I turned unknown into known, newcomers become my friends.”
I remember this dialogue so vividly because he was the first person taught me that: 1) not only me as a migrant feel the fear; and 2) there is a way to ovvercome such fear.

As you have said HJ, eventhough we come from all sorts of background. Yet, we are human.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if it we could all see each other for the amazing individual with so many unique gifts? We all need each other to be just that and make up the beautiful jig saw puzzle of the world as one.

There should be no discrimination against languages people speak, skin color, or religion. - GIF QUOTES

Treasuring each individual.
Respecting everyone.
This fundamental spirit of respect in the hear of Bodhisattva Never Disparaging’s practice [of bowing in reverence to all people.]
Treating all people with repsect is the highest behavior of human being.

Daisaku Ikeda

AUSSIE SLANG

Published on by heddypooLeave a comment

Hi HJ, very interesting topic for the post. I think slang exist in all language. Yet, as I use it without thinking, and learning English as an adult, I hardly able to differentiate slang to proper English.

Yes, the language unique to Australian and also to different States and Territories.
Let’s investigate some of the most common terms and share our experiences and thoughts.

Very excited to find what I use as my everyday language. I might be surprised to see what was “slang”.

I find some of these words funny and others offensive. Yes, it is a very personal thing. I had a relationship with a guy who used the Aussie Slang all the time. Used to drive me mad. Why not just use the “correct word”? That’s me.

I guess not just slang, I learn to ask the meaning of the word that I can’t understand.

Aussie Lingo" Greeting Card by el46 | Redbubble

Very interesting indeed.
It is fascinating to recognise some of the words that I use myself.
I use…
“uey” – I will do a uey
“barbie” – are we doing a barbie?
“ta” – my niece realised this and she pointed this out to me. I use them often without realising it! Hahaha
“she’ll be right” – never use this personally yet heard this expression a lot.

Then there was the experience of working with migrants and having English tutors thinking it was funny to “teach” some of the slang without letting them know it’s not always appropriate to use certain terms in certain circumstances.
Yes some are funny and are used lightheartedly.

So now to the different states and territories and their slang.

A swim suit for example is known by different names around Australia. The most some common terms are:

  • bathers – the most common term in Victoria, South Australia, Western Australia, Tasmania and occasionally in other states. From bathing suit
  • boardies – short for board shorts
  • cossie or cozzie – from “swimming costume”; usage of this name is generally restricted to New South Wales
  • speedos – generic term for men’s swimming briefs which originated in Australia, from the brand name (see Speedo). Known colloquially as sluggos, budgie smugglers
  • swimmers – used mainly in New South Wales and sometimes used in Queensland, from “swimming costume”
  • togs – used mainly in Queensland, but also by some people in Western Australia and Victoria, to describe any type of swimwear
  • trunks – now virtually extinct, formerly used by some people in various regions, to describe any type of swimwear
SQ Swim Shop

I probably heard swimmers and swimming togs. I had so much trouble understanding when I first arrived to Australia. I think I also heard boardies before. Very interesting of what people comes up with.

A thong is another term – it’s footwear in Australia. Recently I was reminded of the “double plugger”. I’ll find a pic which will explain better than I can.

A backless sandal, usually made of plastic, the top section of which sits between the big and second toes. Known as jandals in New Zealand English. The name thong was also the original name for this footwear in the U.S. but the name flip flop later came to dominate and the term thong in the U.S. now more commonly refers to G-string style underwear. The undergarment is usually called a g-string (or colloquially, bum floss) in Australia, however, due to U.S. influences in Australia the word thong is now also used.

Cinderella Around the World: Book review of Cindy-Ella: An Aussie Cinderella by Tom Champion | My Little Bookcase

I use tongs. I now wonder why when I said tongs and people had trouble understanding, because it was a slung! I think I heard flip flop as well.

The list goes on and on. I’ve discovdered in my quest to learn other languages, you usually get taught the “slang/swear words” first from locals. We in Australia are not alone in having a “slang” language. Many and I can only imagine all cultures have their “slang”.

Indeed. I can think of some slang in other languages too. Interestingly, until someone question it, I never thought to explore where it comes from.

I believe that if we are going to teach non-English speaking people or people who are learning the language that we share with them English and what is “slang” and encourage them to understand “slang” before using it.

As I did when learning Japanese. There is a profession language, and language for elders, and everyday language and a language (slang) used between friends. I think that’s correct. Maybe Lily can give more clarity around that one.

Our language is the reflection of ourselves. A language is an exact reflection of the character and growth of its speakers.

Cesar Chavez

Yes you are correct HJ.
There are many folds of appropriate use of language to appropriate person and in appropriate situation etc.
I guess, there are no difference in English too.
Certain words, you just don’t use in public.
Some words are used among younger generation which probably wasn’t acceptable in my era.
I also understand language are made in everyday life.
So, what’s appropriate and what’s not??

Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words.
Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions.
Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits.
Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values.
Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.

Mahatma Gandhi

Do you use Aussie slang? Is it part of your language? What do you think of it??