Tag: #self

Message to sixteen self…

Published on by LilyLeave a comment

HJ, do you remember what you were doing when you were sixteen?
If you can send a short message to your sixteen self, what would that be?

OMG sixteen was a long time ago. I remember being the youngest person with the qualifications I had at Business College. I was well on my way to the career I so wanted. I’ll share this experience through this article as I come to “what message I would send to my sixteen self“

This is the topic of our conversation today.
Yes, it is one of those “if” and I was surprised by the extent how our “culture” affected our life.

Oh I so know the “if” and yes the extent my “culture” impacted my life/my career

If we could onlly turn back time.

Kate Winslet

How this topic started?
This started with a conversation I had with my brother and sister-in-law. We were discussing what we were doing at the time and then choosing a short message to sixteen self.

When I was sixteen, I was trying hard to fit-in. At the time, I already felt I didn’t belong to any social group. I felt I wasn’t qualified to belong to their social entity. I wasn’t Australian, I wasn’t Japanese, I wasn’t Taiwanese. I struggled to find someone like me so I can feel comfortable with. Yes it was a dream. It was that feeling of paradox, alienation, confusion, and lost. Because of all that, I couldn’t see the value in me. I feel torn between reality and ideal world. I hated myself. I didn’t like myself. I cursed the situation I was in.

Oh Lily that is so sad. To feel like that at such an impressionable age. I didn’t have that at sixteen. I was playing netball at A grade level being coached by a state coach and having found my “niche” with career powering ahead. I had a social group through netball and a few special friends from primary school. The advantage of living in the same area for my sixteen years.

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As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too.

Johnny Depp

I think this was the time I learned how to put masks on my face. With this group of people, I put on the mask of “I am okay.” With another group of people, I would put on the mask of “I am just a kid.” With another group of people “I am different.” Yes, this further contributed to my state of confusion. At times, having those masks were handy. Yes, I was pretending “who I am” and cry about no one know the “true” me.

Oh Lily, such pressure on a sixteen year old. My masks came later in my life. I was loving my life at sixteen. I had a mentor who as part of the family and living the life I wanted. She encouraged me to follow my dream and also spent a lot of time with me having fun. She was the buffer between me and my Mum and as such I had freedom from the restrictions of home. My brother was also “looking after” me when we went out so I was “allowed” to go to a few places. He didn’t look after me. He dumped me and told me to be there when he got back to take me home. A whole other story.

You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.

Alan Moore

Because I didn’t like myself, I didn’t take anything seriously enough. Well, yes, I have tried what I can do academically but that was to make my parents feel good. Probably, I knew I couldn’t wear the implication of not studying and not getting to university. I think I have shared this perspective in another post. Studying English was inevitable but I can’t say I have put my whole heart in studying it.

I don’t remember my parents being all that fussed with my academic results other than passing and doing my best. Yes, we have shared these experiences in previous posts. My role was to be a wife and mother and be able to look after the family’s finances. That was not my vision. I knew what I wanted and was good at what I was doing and advancing well beyond my years. I was excited as I could see my dreams coming true.

Behind every mask there is a face, and behind that a story.

Marly Rubin

So, back to our first question.
If you can send a short message to your sixteen self, what would that be?

My answer to that question was:
Take English a bit more seriously and going to the university is not the only path in life. Listen to your heart of what you want to do.

We laugh at it because I am still at uni, and I admit I love my study, work and research. If I didn’t choose what I have chosen at that time, I won’t be who I am today. That’s for sure.

Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.

John C. Maxwell

My brother’s answer was:
Don’t just listen to what father had to say. Explore.

My brother had undergone similar pressure from the parent. Yes, he was the eldest boy in the family, he was the first grandson to my grandparents. The pressure he had on his shoulder was more than I can imagine. Yes, in the culture I grow up, being the first son, grandson, means a lot in life. You had no other choice than succeess, according to them because they will do everything they could to invest in you and except high return. That is the culture I grow up.

Wow, that is pressure. As the youngest in my family I’m not sure what was expected of my brothers. All have been successful The eldest more so and I guess that was expected. He did get a lot of help to achieve his dream. It was often said in my family the eldest got the most brains and it slowly filtered down till me, and not much left !

My sister-in-law married to my brother in Australia. She never imagined that she will married to someone oversea from her mother country. She never imagined that she will live so far away from her parents. And, she said she never imagined there is one day she cannot visit her home country whenever she wants: one because she lives so far away, two because of the covid restrictions.

My sister-in-law’s answer was:
Enjoy my mother country to the fullest. Have your favourite food while possible.

Don’t wait to be successful at some future point. Have a successful relationship with the present moment and be fully present in whatever you are doing. That is success.

Eckhart Tolle

This little imagination and exercise made me realise how much “culture” had impacted my decision-making. Whether I have made the ‘right’ choice at the time about my life or not, I was determined to make most out of whatever the situation that life has presented to me.

Yes, “culture” plays a huge part in our lives. Many time more so that we realised. I’m so glad I learnt determination and kept pushing through.

Didn’t I tried hard enough? May be yes, may be no.
What I know for sure is, regardless of my choice, I have travelled the path as who I am. Looking back now, probably there was a better future if I choose a different path.

I’m always wary of looking back and wondering about the “what if”. We all do our best at the time with what we have and what we know in the current circumstances. We don’t know what would happen had we took a different path. We didn’t and the paths we took got us to where we are today. I’m grateful for the journey and all I learnt and experienced. No worse or better in my life anymore. I spent too much time focused on what I lost at the time my dream was taken from me.

Dear Me, F*ck You - A Raw and Real Open Letter to Myself | Motivational quotes for life, Me quotes, Inspirational quotes

But you know what?
I love my life. I love what I am doing at moment. I am enjoying every moment in life.

That’s a great place to be, spiritually, physically and mentally. You’ve created your life. I’ve loved my life and all I’ve experienced. At the moment I’m at an age where I’m wondering what’s next, what’s left? My life been filled with so many adventures and I’ve made sure I do all that was on my dream list.

Dear sixteen-me,
Regardless of your choice of path, you will make the most out of it. Have fun. Be confident in your decision. You have everything you need within yourself to make any dream come true.

Dear sixteen – me

Don’t let anything or anyone stop you from living your dream. Even if you are stopped at a moment, don’t lose focus, keep going as your time will come. You’ve got the determination and ability to be, do, have all that you dream of.

Our future self does not exist in some far-off place; it exists in the heart and mind of our present self. That is why we must face and tackle the realities that confront us.

Daisaku Ikeda

How am I finding my VOICE within my ‘CULTURE’?

Published on by heddypooLeave a comment

For me, finding my voice within my culture was a continuous battle in life. It is a lifelong search for ‘who am I.” Yes, for me, it is linked to my identity, authenticity, and values.

What about you HJ? When do you think you have found your voice within your culture for the first time?

Great question Lily. Really need to think about this one. As a child I was raised to keep quiet and at the very least keep my opinions to myself. I found my voice when I had had enough of being bullied. Around the age of 13 after years and years of physical bullying from one of my brothers, I had had enough and remember using a self defense move I had learnt and he ended up on the floor. I stood over him and told him to “not touch me again”. I guess that was the first time.

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.

Mahatma Gandhi
Sometimes You Gotta Be Your Own Hero | Self Help Daily

I said, it is a continuous battle in life, because I have experienced change in my voice as I grow up. As I have chosen my values in life, my voice had changed too. Yes, until I have found myself, identity, and authenticity, I was confused about my voice.

Yes, I so hear you with “as your values change so does your voice”. I would not say it’s been a battle to use my voice. For me many times it’s been to control it. I am very vocal around injustice, abuse, neglect, lack of understanding, judgement, bigotry and on and on the list goes. As I’ve got older I hope a little wiser and less radical.

As I was exposed to different culture, I was confused with different views of the world. Yes, I was lost in the culture. I have a particular way of laughing. Some people said they love how I laugh while others couldn’t stop offering an alternative perspective.

Oh yes Lily I hear you with this one too. Growing up, if you did laugh it had to be quietly and “lady like” whatever that is and at something “appropriate”. Definitely not at another’s misfortune.


So, how did I find my voice? Let me illustrate how my voice changed across the time.

Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you don’t matter, or like you don’t have a place in our American story – because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.

Michelle Obama

One day, I was visiting my mother country and stayed with my maternal auntie. She didn’t really like how I laugh. The following was her argument.

Lily, you know what? I went to a group tour with a Professor, not long ago. In our group, there was a girl, who laugh like you did now. Do you know what Professor said? He said that “She (girl who laughs fully) is disgracing and shaming her family.” So, I think you shouldn’t laugh like that. It doesn’t suit you at all.

I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I grow up in a culture where girls need to be quiet, passive, and never stand out from the crowd. Stand out from the crowd mean that you are likely to be ostracised from that community. Girls need to listen to their parents and husband. Girls were not to be a bread winner rather they are likely to be raised to support their husband. This was the culture I grow up. This phenomenon was engraved in my life.

Oh, if I can jump in here? You’ve shared this story with me before and I was so surprised. Yes, I too was raised to be quiet, passive and not stand out, yet you have a wonderfully infectious laugh and always makes me happy and relieves any stress or concern at the time. It’s so sad for you to have been told this. It’s so sad to think we are still raising our children (especially girls) to not laugh out loud. To not stand out. To not be expressive how ever that is for them. I’m so glad you happily laugh these days. Well atleast around me. I love it.

77,000+ Happy people Free Stock Photos - StockFreeImages

So, back to my story with my auntie. When I heard her suggestion for the first time, I gave in to her perspective. I allowed it to take over my belief and value in life. I felt it was my fault that I can’t control my own expression. I felt I wasn’t enough for her to be acknowledged. I was hurt yet I didn’t know how to stay true to myself.

What a confusing time for you. This is what can stop us from blossoming as our unique selves and started the spiral of low self esteem and self worth. It’s been called a form of “conditional love”. Behave as I tell you to or I won’t love you.

Yes, HJ, I think we met around this time. I was confused, discouraged and disorted. I was lost in myself.
Who am I? Who am I meant to be? Who can I be? Who shall I be?

And totally understandable. How could you know who you are or who you can be when you’ve been conditioned to believe you have to act in a certain way to be loved and accepted.

Always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals.

Michelle Obama

Returning to Australia, I commenced my journey of self-discovery. Well, I was searching for an answer and strategy so I can stay true to myself. I wanted to gain confidence in myself. Cut the long story short, after I found myself, I have realised how I really wanted to react at the above situation with my auntie.

Well, two years later, I had an opportunity to react with same auntie, same situation. Once again, she had repeated her perspective. Trying very hard to convince me to give in. Instead of letting it go and giving in, I was ready to explain why I express my joy in my laughter.

Thank you auntie for your concern about how others may comment about me when they hear my laughter. As I grew up, I had a period of time when I have lost myself. I have also lost how to freely express my feelings. Coming out of that expreience, I have decided to live my life with freely expressing my feelings. I want to express my joy fully when I feel joyful. I want to express my sadness fully when I feel sad. So, thank you for your suggestion. I have decided to embrace and express my feelings. I will share my feeling with whom I want to share and what I want to share.

She didn’t know what to say yet I was very surprised with myself that I was willing to share my perspective with her. I was surprised that was one of the value I held inside my heart. Only then, I understand why I felt I was hurt. More I think about it, I was very proud of myself that I finally found strength to standing up for myself.

Well done Lily. And very brave and courageous. To stand in your personal power, to BE who you are and live your values. How freeing that must have felt and a wonderful boost to your self esteem and self worth. Yes, it also gives a greater understanding and to be made aware of the hurt you had been carrying around? Have you now been able to let that go? and to be able to forgive your Auntie as she was probably just carrying on a old outdated behaviour. Has her comments changed towards now?

Find your voice | Inspirational words, Quotes, Relationship quotes

This is how I have found my voice in my culture. Yes, it took me a while to find my own voice that was in my heart.

May you live in such a way that others will say, “She is a woman who, though ordinary, somehow stands out, and has a beautiful story to tell.”

Daisaku Ikeda

How your life has changed now you are being true to you? Finding your voice and standing up for yourself. It’s something we all need to do at some stage in our lives. It can be a slow process and sometimes does not go as well as we intend, yet it’s important to value ourselves enough to know we do have a voice and can use it. Being able to do that even when “criticised” or “judged” or any other reaction, to know it’s not about us, it’s about them.

You are responsible for what you say and do. you are not responsible for whether or not people fr… | Badass quotes, Believe in yourself quotes, Inspirational quotes

WHAT IS AUTHENTICITY? Let’s unpack

Published on by heddypooLeave a comment

Authenticity is a concept in psychology, existential psychiatry, existentialist philosophy and aesthetics. In existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which a person’s actions are congruent with their beliefs and desires, despite external pressures to conformity. 

Wikipedia

This is an interesting topic to discuss and share personal opinions and beliefs. So excited to hear your thoughts of this Lily.

Yes, HJ. This is an interesting topic indeed. So, what is “authenticity”??
Let’s see what we unpack in this topic.

Be fearlessly authentic.

Bravely be you.

I so love this quote. For me it’s the being “brave enough”. Living authentically can at times, in my expereincce be a “lonely” place to live.

For me, following quote explains how I perceive authenticity.

Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency, and integrity.

Janet Louise Stephenson

I grow up in a culture expressing your vulnerability was greatly discouraged. Yes, I thought it was a bad thing to show others your “weakness”. I used to complain “I don’t think anyone really understanding me [including my weakness/vulnerability].” Now I know why because it wasn’t something I tend to show others. Some may say I am a private person. Other may say I am a naive person. I say I didn’t know how to express my vulnerability to others.

Only years later, when I gathered my courage and started showing my vulnerability to others, I realised that it actually wasn’t my weakness. Showing my vulnerability to others was actually become a strength in life. By showing my vulnerability I allowed myself to accept help from others. Because of accepting help from others, I can grow and advance further than I have ever imagined.

Many times I’ve felt so much the “black sheep” yet knew, again from past experience, trying to fit in where I don’t belong takes too much energy and is a struggle who I truly am.

Growing up it was all about fitting in, don’t stand out, be what you are “supposed to be”, “don’t rock the boat”. None of this sat well with me and I truly struggled to fit where I was supposed to.

I am hearing you HJ.
Experiencing different culture during my childhood and early adulthood, I tried very hard to “fit in” to the culture I was in at that given moment. The harder I tried, the further I stood out. I was just so different. I was confused. I was receiving contradictory guidance of “what I suppose to be” and eventually I have lost myself.

This concept of “lost of myself” was so strong in the majority part of my life until now. If you remember HJ, when we first me few years ago, I was a person “lost of who I am”. Very interesting to make this comment to others and majority of people answered “You are Lily.”

Yes, I know. That’s my name but who is ‘Lily’. What does she like to do? act? behave? or what does she present herself? To some extent, I hated the fact I don’t have the answer to these questions. I was lost. I didn’t know where I was heading, where I am going, what were my values in life. I really wanted someone to give me an instruction book or guidebook and say “This is who you are. This is what you were born to achieve in this lifetime. These are your life lessons planned for you. This is your life”. Well, no such miracle happened so far.

Growing up when I did (born 1955) choices for women was limited. Back in those day women could not work when pregnant and in a few industries, you could not work if you married. I remember too, which today sounds ridiculous, women could not wear trousers in the workforce. The list just goes on and on. It’s no wonder so many women born in the 50’s ad 60’s still struggle to get in touch with, let alone live authentically.

I know some of the culture still live in those values.
So, what does “living authentically meant to you?”

What is Authenticity? What Does it Mean to Be Authentic on the Internet?
How to Develop Authenticity
Here are some tips to help you find and express your authentic self.
1. Observe yourself objectively to develop authenticity. Learn to observe yourself like a fly on the wall. Watch yourself as you live in the present moment, observing how your “Adaptive Self” behaves, what it believes, how it reacts under pressure, and how it responds to challenges. Practice noticing which of these responses feel authentic, and which ones feel inauthentic. By identifying which responses are adaptive vs authentic, you can begin to notice the falseness and begin to see the glimmers of truth underneath.

2. Examine family belief systems to develop authenticity. Most people were raised in some sort of “family-style” environment during their earliest, most vulnerable years. Think back to episodes in your childhood, episodes that led you to stop being your authentic self and instead adopt some other way of existing in this world. By examining where our behaviors come from, we can learn a lot about our authentic selves.

3. Open a dialogue between the Adaptive Self and the Authentic Self. Invite the two aspects of yourself—the Adaptive Self and the Authentic Self—to have a discussion as part of a meditation or thought exercise. Respectfully introduce both: Thank the Adaptive Self for helping you function through some difficult and confusing times, and thank the Authentic Self for helping you feel whole, real, and self-confident.

Now invite each part of yourself to share. Ask a question, mentally, while urging each side to express itself fully, and then listen patiently to the responses. Encourage dialogue so that you may comprehend both points of view.
Try to be open to what both sides have to say, as they may reveal things you’re not expecting. For example, the Authentic Self may be afraid of rejection and therefore afraid to come forward. Or your Adaptive Self may be caretaking, trying to protect you from feeling hurt in the ways you’ve been hurt in the past. These parts of ourselves are running our lives this way for a reason. In this exercise, try to figure out what those reasons are. This may help you understand why you act the way you do, so you can decide if you truly want to act differently.

I decided to reference the above from Positive Psychology. It’s my go to when wanting more information and the psychological perspective. I included it here as I felt I didn’t need to “reinvent the wheel”.

I am a good fun of positive psychology too.
Yes, I must admit, I had many conversation with myself, adaptive self and authentic self. I acknowledge the existence of both within me. I really appreciate the protection of adaptive self in my life. I thanks to my authentic self checking-in every now and then, making sure I am moving in the direction my heart sing. I now allowed my authentic self to take the driver’s seat and my adaptive self to check-in every now and then for the safety. I love my life.

A privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

Carl Jung

Now I need to understanding how our “Adaptive Self” fits in all this. The following is from Mindful Muses an article by By Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC

The difference between utilizing the false self in an adaptive way versus a maladaptive way has to do with both our awareness of its attributes and sense of congruence between our social masks and our core values.

When we are aware of the many sides of ourselves we are able to gain a sense of ownership and mastery over when and how we choose to show these sides.  When we are in control of what part of ourselves we choose to show, the false self is no longer foreign and detached: our social masks become congruent and integrated.  We are whole.

Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC


For many years in my life, this is what I have struggled for. One day, I realised that I wear a mask in a certain situation and another one in another. I felt both were “me” indeed while both were NOT true “me”. I struggled between those masks that I have created along the way to protect myself.

One day, a person told me that “It is okay to choose what to share with whom you want to share your life with.” It shed the light on my confusion of having multiple masks. Until then, I thought I need to share my “whole” life with others who were in my inner circle of friendship yet I also knew it is impossible for a person to know my inside-out. I felt upset when they didn’t react in the way I “expected” them to. Similarly, I was so scared of people’s judgement call on my reaction too.

I now understand it is their problem how they want to react to my comment. I am responsible for my own act and behaviour. When I reflect at the end of the day, I would pose a question to myself “if I have second chance or in the same situation again, would I do it differently? would I say it differently?” Majority of the time, I wouldn’t because I have given my best shot at that given point of time.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Brene Brown

I’m still having my moments. I am at a stage in life where I am aligned with my authentic self that I can show up as me. I know not everyone will “agree” with how I live my life, my opinions, my beliefs and values and that’s ok. I am continually growing, changing, learning, developing and reassessing, reevaluating and changing with each day, each connection, and embracing it all as a great ride.

Yes, I am proud lifelong learner too.
Let me share a quote with you. This is a quote posing a question I ask myself often when I self-doubt my progress in life.

Before comparing yourself with others, win the battle with yourself. Strive to be better today than yesterday and better tomorrow than today.

Daisaku Ikeda