Interesting topic Lily.
I know HJ. It is a very interesting topic. Well, I thoughout about this topic probably becauase it is unusual for me to not be married at my age.
I was raised in a culture we need to get married at a certain age, preferrably before but acceptable until mid-30s. Once you have passed that age, you are start to be see with this “odd” look because you have entered “unusual” societal category. So, arranged marriage is common practice because start your own family is seen as part of growing up. “Marriage” is a path to participate as a full-grown adult in the society. You suddenly given a permission. This was the culture that I was raised.
Growing up a female was “miss” till they were married and then “mrs” when married. Males were “master” till an adult then they were ‘mr”. It had nothing to do with the marital status of males.
By the time I was married, the term “ms” had started to surface. It was seen “badly” as a women who was a “woman’s libber” and not received well by the “traditional” culture. I was not happy with the “mrs” term as it was referred to as the “misses” like you were not a person in your own right. I did struggle with being called that.
I remember, when introduced as the “misses” to people of my new husband, who I hadn’t met, as shock saying “omg, your married, you didn’t tell me that”. Yes shock value. My husband knew I was a rebel and wasn’t surprised yet not particularly happy with my response.
Back in the 70’s when you got married it was seen as you now “belong” to your husband. I was young and went along with a lot, yet had my moments when I wouldn’t go along with what was expected.
I don’t know whether it is just in 70’s but I certainly experienced and observed that perspective of “belong” to your husband. I was raised in a culture fully believed in that.
Let me share an interesting experience with you.
My mother considered divorce many time. She considered it because she had enough yet she was scared to lose everything she had. In my culture, divorce was seen as bringing disgrace to the family, and when parents are divorced, children belongs to their paternal family. This means that mother are more likely to lose custody of her children. Now, thinking like this, may be wife was seen as less important than offsprings. My mother believed Australia was the same that children are likely to belong to their paternal family, even though we, children, were old enough to make our own decisions.
One night she came to me and asked “if I decided to divorce with you father, would you curse me that I have taken your father away from you?” I was shocked and replied “No. Getting divorce is your decision and it is your relationship with my father. My father will stay as my father regardless of your relationship with my father. However, you have my full support in your decision.” She took few moments to articulate what I said and I can see a sense of relief in her face. My mother is still with my father. Since that night, I never heard her asking me again whether she should get divorced or not.
You will pass through storms and heavy rains, and at times you will suffer defeat. The essence of the creative life, however, is not to give up in the face of defeat but to follow the rainbow that exists within your heart.
Daisaku Ikeda
This marriage did not last that long. That’s another story. By the time I was divorced, I decided to use ‘ms’ if it was necessary to have a “title”. Which seemed to be an issue. I was working at a junior primary school at the time, and was advised not to use “ms” as the children would struggle with it. Well, I can tell you the children (4-8yr olds) had no problems with it. It was the parents (some of them) that didn’t like the term. It meant I was “one of them/those” whatever that meant. Yes I was. I was my own person.
I explained to the children and to others who bothered to want to know (it was new and unusual for a woman to use that term in te 70’s) that a female is ‘miss’ till married, then “mrs” and if no longer married or divorced she can use “ms”. Not difficult to understand if you have to have a title.
I have learned a new history of English today. Finally someone explained to me the difference between miss, mrs and ms. I use miss majority of times yet sometime when I am not sure or I can’t be bothered, I will use ms as shorthand! It should be mixed up now! hahaha.
I remarried many years later and took my husbands surname yet stayed with ‘ms’. Why? it was my choice and I was not the “misses”. My husband understood and really didn’t worry about it. His mother was the ‘mrs’ and she didn’t like me very much and was happy for me to not be identified as “mrs”. People are so interesting with their control behaviours.
Isn’t that fascinating you said that. You reminded me about the culture I was raised. Once you are married, you belong to the other family. You will be in their grave, not your parents.
One day, I overheard my grandparents were arguing about something and my grandfather ended the argument by saying “you better behave otherwise you are not welcomed in my grave when you have died” to my grandmother. I nearly said “may be grandma doesn’t want to be in the same grave as you.” I controlled myself though!!
We have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can’t fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won’t move us forward.
Barack Obama
I’ve stayed ‘ms’ ever since. I still dislike the questions, single, married, divorced, separated, widowed etc. I truly don’t see what the difference is unless it’s about assistance and government help. Even then, isn’t it about whether you are on your own or have a partner?
I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.
Carl Jung
Let me share why this toipc emerged.
One day, I receieved a message on the timeline of my facebook page from my maternal aunt. It stated “Lily (she used my other name), haven’t heard from you for a while now. Do you have a boyfriend now? When will I be invited to your wedding?” When I saw the message I was shocked!! I thought she could send me a private message and I won’t be offended but she didn’t need to post it on timeline where everyone can see it! AHHHH.
I did send her a private message afterwards and said:
Thank you for your concern about me. I am very well and I trust you are well too. I am afraid to let you know that you less likely to be invited to my wedding this lifetime but I promise to invite you if I have any chance for next lifetime. I’m having a very fulfilled life, I’m enjoying everyday of my life, doing what I like to do in my life. I am very fortunate to have such life.
She immediately said that it is good that I am “available” for my parents when they need me to help them. I felt offended but immediately realised that was just her perspective. Yes, I will leave this story to another occassion.
When I shared this story with my mum, she immediately got me. She said “how bazzar she did that. It must be technical thing. She didn’t know everyone can see it.” I kind of agree with my mother about her sister who is in her 70s. I had a good laugh after all!
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou
Marital status is a very personal situation. Something the two people involved need to sort out early in their relationship. Just as you would discuss having children, moving for work, all the variables of being in a relationship. It’s also vital to understand how the woman is seen in the marriage. Still to this day, there are men who feel once they “have” a woman, she will be controlled and have to follow his rules.
When women decide they will not be then this is when so many issues arise in the relationship which can lead to abuse on so many levels.
Yes, gone deep, yet views on your ‘marital status’ needs to be discussed in depth before you enter into any relationship.
In Conversation 