I (HJ) came across this recently and it sparked a conversation with many of my friends and clients.
I often said the dynamics in my family was to divide and conquer. My mother’s behaviour was as described in this article. I was not aware of the narcissistic behaviour of so many as I was growing up.
This is actually the first time I (Lily) come across this term. Thinking back, I can recognise some of such behaviour of my mother. I remember I hated it. She didn’t use between my siblings but with my other relationships within the family and beyond.
I’m not blaming, shaming, guilting or judging my mother for this behaviour as I realised it’s a generational trauma thing (It means that we can view the psychological effects of trauma being transferred from one generation to another. Generational trauma is a traumatic event that began decades prior to the current generation and has impacted the way that individuals understand, cope with, and heal from trauma) and somewhere along the line, someone has to change it. This led my on my mission.
I wonder whether that is called “generational trauma” or I personally call it “culture”. I remember there were times when my mother would say things in front of others to put me down to make herself look good. When I refute and speak up for myself, she will kick me under the table. Only years later, I learned it is her way of survival among the group. It doesn’t mean I like it though.
It was my mother and we had a very different relationship to my friends and their mothers. One of my dearest friends who I’ve known since I was fifteen (fifty years) had a wonderful mother. She was someone I went to to share what was going for me with my mother and try to get some perspective.
I had a mother who wasn’t a perfect mother figure I had wished. Because of that, I had also turned away from my mother. More than that, I had a father who would only talk negatives of my mother to us, children. Yes, I had developed negative stigmas attached to my mother. Again, only years later I had noticed different side to the story.
Comparing kids started early for me, as I was the youngest of four. There were constant comments that when the brains were handed out the most went to the first born and it ran out as it got to me !!
That’s what the youngest says! From the eldest of three children, I will claim that all the love went to the youngest. (yes, as I was the first grandchild in the family, I had enjoyed all the previledge too!)
Comparing myself to others were both within my family and beyond. I remember I hated so much when I was compared among cousins too. I remember a conversation “why can’t you be like your cousin?”
My mother was a tennis champion both state and national in her day. She wanted her children to play and excel. My three brothers did and no I didn’t. They all represented their clubs and I wasn’t good enough. I loved netball and I excelled at that, yet I can’t truly say I remember it being celebrated.
Isn’t that fascinating what parents expected and wished for you when you were a child?
My parents highly regarded the importance of academic excellence and therefore they stressed that. I remember that I was punished when I couldn’t get 100 out of 100. I saw how my brother struggled through his days when he couldn’t achieve 100 out of 100 too. Yes, this eased with my young sister because she was a sicky girl. (Ahhhh, the youngest!!)
Again my mother was a brilliant seamstress and cook and I could never demonstrate the same standard of ability that she did and was expected. If any of my friends of family friends were good at cooking or sewing they were applauded.
My parents never applaused or appraised us in front of us. Appearantly, it seems like they does to the others but not in front of us. May be it is the culture, may be that’s how they were raised. Regardless, I remember that I struggled through my youth and was very disappointed about my achievements because no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough!!
At school I was always having written on my report cards, “if Heather applied herself more she would do better”. My three brothers did so well at school. They went on to get apprenticeships and excel in their chosen fields and as I was “smart enough” and the ultimate for any woman (in my day) was to be a wife and mothers, it was ok that my school work wasn’t brilliant as I needed to excel in areas of keeping a home, being a wife and mother.
My parents did not specifically stated that but they obviously had that perspectives that ultimate for any girl was to be a wife and good mother.
I remember I got in trouble because my report card wasn’t perfect (straight A’s) eventhough I had positive comments from teachers.
I guess in many ways I missed out on the comparisons with a sister and all that would go with that, it was mainly about ability at sports and academics that I was always compared to with my brothers.
I have a younger sister but I think having a sister doesn’t mean this situation will be better. I don’t know how many times I wished I have an older brother or sister so I didn’t have to deal with all the responsiblities!!
Well, I guess, it is just a wish! if…
Up until I left home at 17 years of age, I was always being compared to other girls from friends families. I came to believe that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and on it went.
Yes I so hear you. I remember my mum once asked “Aren’t you worried that you are not as caring as your sister about your style, make up etc. Aren’t you worried that you are not seeing anyone?”
And, when I was seeing someone she critisised that person.
I remember once I asked back “Are you wishing for my happiness? or are you choosing so you can tell others that my daughter’s husband to be is…?” She didn’t know what to answer.
Our language with our children and the comparison to others truly is the “killer of joy”.
It was used in my day as a tool to “incentify” (verb. to provide an incentive or reward with an expectation of certain action or consideration). Yes, it’s taken many years to realise, shaming, blaming and guilting along with the judgement has the opposite affect.
Indeed. It took a long time for me to realise and experience effect of words that were once said to me. Sometime I fascinate myself about the meaning that I have given to each word. Until then, I wasn’t aware what I am saying to myself.
My concern is that this type of parenting behaviour is passed down from generation to generation especially by the one that was supposed to be the brains in the family. That was my experience with my brothers.
I was afraid of becoming a parent for many years. With my background, how I was raised, I was so afraid to pass on this to my child or next generation.
One day, I was discussing this topic with a friend. She said “We can only parent in the way we were parented. However, being human, we also have power to parent differently to how we were parented.” This conversation made me realise I am strong enough to break the chain.
I’ve spent the past forty years researching the impact language has on ourselves and our children. My daughter is now 44 and to see her realise her own abilities, skills and talents and giving the same to all who she interacts with. Embracing and celebrating the uniqueness of the individual is my life’s work. Teaching how this empowers the individual to excel is the benefit of changing our language as it changes our beliefs, behaviour, values and brings out the very best of ourselves.
In Conversation 