(HJ) For me it was all about what girls can do and what boys can do. What girls wear and what boys wear. I so wanted to be a boy. They could play all the time and be outside and getting dirty. Me, well I had to keep clean, play with dolls, learn to cook and sew. Girls wore dresses, skirts and possible shorts (for the beach and around home). I can remember the petticoats I wore with many of my little dresses. One was a rope petticoat. I must admit I did have a couple of dresses I truly loved. My “poodle dress”. It has poodles around the bottom of the skirt. And my red velvet dress with white embroidery.
As I have shared in our last converstation, I (Lily) so wanted be a boy at a stage of my life, probably I know in the culture that I have grow up they preferred to have a boy then a girl. Well, they saw boys are to remain in the family tradition and girls are raised for other family. Interesting concept!!
I actually felt proud of been a girl when I realised we, between myself and my brother, had different expectations from parents. He had so much pressure on him to continue family tradition.
One day, we were having a conversation around this topic and my brother expressed that he wished he wasn’t born as a first boy. He revealed that he had different pressure from my parents to be born as the first boy in this generation.
I was not allowed to have a pair of jeans. “Nice” girls didn’t wear jeans and definitely not black jeans. There was only a certain type of person who wore black jeans and they were not someone you wanted to be. Well that’s what I was told. Bodgies and widgies
from wikipedia
Bodgies and widgies refer to a youth subculture that existed in Australia and New Zealand in the 1950s, similar to the rocker culture in the UK or Greaser culture in the United States. Most bodgies rode motorbikes but some had cars, many of which were hotted-up e.g. mag wheels, hot dog muffler, etc.
The males were called bodgies and the females were called widgies. Bodgies were often depicted in Australian media and folk-lore as louts. On 1 February 1951 the Sydney Morning Herald wrote on its front page:
“What with “bodgies” growing their hair long and getting around in satin shirts, and “wedgies” cutting their hair short and wearing jeans, confusion seems to be arising about the sex of some Australian adolescents.”[1]
The first thing I did with my first pay was to buy a pair of black jeans. I had to take them with me when I went out and put them on then. I couldn’t tell my mother I bought them.
Probably in that sense, HJ, my parents were open about that. My parents actually encouraged me to wear jeans/pants so I inappropriately reveal myself to others. Whether that’s called been protective or not, as a child I just accepted it. Probably, she liked rough/sporty cloths her self. My father’s preference was totally opposite though. He like my mum to wear onepiece dresses. So that’s what he bought for her all the time.
I always struggled with the roles of boys and girls. I could see why we had to be different and boys had to play with cars, cricket bats, trains etc and girls dolls, play kitchens, and learn to sew, embroider, knit etc.
That sounds like the culture I grow up. As the first grandchild, my relatives bought so much things for me. I have been given all these dolls and doll houses but I didn’t show too many interests so eventually sister took it over. I think my brother joined her too! I was given first generation videogame, like on the picture below. I wasn’t good at it and eventually my brother took over. So, I think in that sense, I wasn’t raised as a girl or boy.
I make sure when I had my daughter in the 70’s that she played with all sorts of different toys. She had a car racing set, dolls, loved jigsaw puzzle, cricket, soccer, netball, and we had a jungle gym play set that she loved.
I didn’t dress her in pink until she decided she wanted to (around six years of age I think) and then only for a few years and back to blues, greens, black, browns, neutrals. To this day, and she is 44, she doesn’t wear pink.
I wasn’t a pastel colour person too. I just can’t imagine myself in those colours. Well, I love cool colours so may be that’s why I don’t like pastel colours. It just not me. I think. I am okay with solid red though. Again, that should come down to personal choice I guess.
Because I was always active with sport, my daughter was too, so shorts, and jeans and trousers were part of her wardrobe. As she grew I gave her every opportunity to explore whatever she found interesting and nothing was boy’s or girl’s !!
Sadly there is still the beliefs as below. Why do we need to generalise and limit our children with gender based learning. Gender based roles from where? Old beliefs, that cause our children to limit themselves.
HJ, you have reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend. We were discussing exactly this topic. Why didn’t we born as…? I remember I said that “Since I was born as a woman in this life, there must be a meaning. If there is a meaning to why I was born as a woman, then I want to acknowledge that and enjoy this world as a woman.”
I believe that there are beauties in this life of being born as a woman. Since then, I guess gender has become a fact in life, rather than a determinant of a life.
There was also the belief that if boys played with dolls that would “make” them gay and if girls played with cars, trains or “boy” things they would be “butch” and not feminine.
It may seem that parents teach the child, but in the end it is the other way around.
Bringing up children is a way for parents to become more complete themselves.
Daisaku Ikeda
I was raised with a clear gender roles. I remember at a stage of my life, I felt uncomfortable looking a man cleaning up after dinner. Well, now? I will appreciate their effort with “Thank you.” My perception now is “as long as someone does it.”
What’s your take HJ?
Yes, I was raised with gender roles. My brothers and father didn’t clear the table or do the dishes. That was women’s work. Same as cleaning. The outside work (gardening, building, etc) was men’s work. And yet my mother mowed the lawns and did a lot of the gardening as it wasn’t done “good enough” for her. She truly made a “rod for her back” and it was expected that I would too. Do what you must do to keep a “good” home and make the man “happy to have you”. Do everything you can to make them happy.
That soon changed as I got older. I was not going to be the person to do everything and there is nothing wrong with both partners doing their bit to help the other and for the “running of the household”. I’m not interested in anyone who wants a woman to be a “doormat” and do what they want. For me every relationship is about “give and take” and “working” together to make a truly amazing life bringing out the best in each other while supporting each other with our struggles and growing together.
In Conversation 