Seating arrangements in my (Lily’s) culture is a significant concept. It is not as simple as who sits with whom, rather, it is the order of the seating. As I grow up, encountering different cultures, I have realised that seating arrangements are equally significant in many formal events.
(HJ) Interesting conversation Lily. This brought up many memories of the experiences within different cultures. I spent a lot of time growing up with Italians, Greeks, Lebanese and Egyptians. Their seating was anywhere and everywhere as there was always so many people. Usually the head of the family sat at the head of table. I remembered being invited to the wedding of an Italian family member and caused a bit of a stir when I (a non-Italian) was invited to sit with the family. That was in the 60’s.
Seating at home for meals was always sitting in the same seats regardless of how many were at the time. We were a family of six. So even if only two were sitting at the table we “took our seats”. Not sure where this came from as I was the last one in the family.
When my family started to attend family gatherings with extended family, this ‘seating arrangements’ become a significant component. Particularly, when we were dining in Chinese restaurants seating around a round table (usually fit 8 to 10 people, can fit up to 12 people) seating arrangement starting with most important/senior person, usually my grandfather. Then, the seating will be arranged in clockwise order. If grandfather seat at the 12 o’clock position, grandmother will be on his left, first child and partner, second child and partner … and so on. On grandfather’s right will be the eldest grandson, if existed, or the youngest child/partner. As a child, I had to wait until someone tells me where to sit, usually on a different table to adults.
My experience was very different. When it wasn’t just the six of us, seating was anywhere and everywhere there were seats. We rarely went out and when we did as a family with others there was no formal seating arrangements. This was only at weddings, engagements where families sat together. My grandparents passed when I was only very young. The extended family who were like grandparents to me were always highly revered and looked after and they sat where they were most comfortable. It was the same for me as with Lily, I had to wait to be told where to sit as a child.
Not only in formal scenes has seating mattered, seating matter in everyday life.
“Who shall sit at the front seat?” always poses a great debate.
In the culture I grew up, anyone who’s senior shall be offered a preference. To show respect to them, usually, they take the front seat. However, I am now aware that on some occasion, they may take rear seats.
(HJ) Who will sit in the front seat was not a question I heard growing up. It was a given that parents sat in the front and children in the back. We only sat in the front if it was only myself and driver (Mum or Dad or one of my brothers or another adult). Usually small children sat in the back seat as it was considered safer, less distracting to the driver.
My elders usually sat in the front due to ease of being able to get in and out. It was just how it was. Interesting isn’t it that we just follow the rules and don’t question them. It was never something I felt I needed to.
This reminds me of a recent episode with my niece.
One afternoon, I was on my way to pick up my sister with my niece. As usual arrangement, she was sitting at the front passenger seat.
As we get closer to my sister’s place I asked her to move to the rear seats and she asked why.
I didn’t have an answer for her.
I was aware that the expectation of who shall sit at the front seat was from my cultural upbringing that my niece might not relate to.
I did try to explain but she wasn’t convinced and neither did I.
(HJ) This was not an experience I’ve come across. If I did, it was just a matter of showing respect to elders and that’s what you did. It also came from the belief that children were safer in the back seat. This probably came from the days of the baby seat being secured in the back seat behind the passenger seat. This was the safest place apparently and also it was Law, so you followed it. Then the booster seat when in the same position. By then the child was tall enough to safely sit in the front. It was to do with the seat belt and where it was on their body.
In the end, my niece decided on an arrangement to sit at rear seats with my sister. I asked myself “why not?” and decided to let it be. They enjoyed the trip and so did I.
(HJ) Yep, “why not” if everyone is happy. Sometimes we need to make more out of a situation than needs to be. It has always been an individual situation thing as to where others sit in my car. If in a stranger’s car or an uber or taxi I always sit in the back. Safety has always been at the forefront of my decisions.
Respect for ourselves guides our morals;
Laurence Sterne
Respect for others guides our manners.
Through this episode with my niece, I had to stop and reflect on what matters in my life about seating arrangements. Only then, I have realised that who sits in the front seat wasn’t a big issue. Regardless of who sits where, I value the time that we get to spend together, filled with joy and caring for each other.
(HJ) Lily that’s such an important statement. What is important is the time spent with others and yes, caring for each other. We may have been raised to believe these “seating arrangements” were how it is, yet we can make a choice to create new rules around “seating arrangements” and allow the reason for the get togethers shine through.
Respect is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
Annie Gottlieb
The seating arrangement is a significant concept in the culture I grew up in.
Is seating arrangement still significant than spending valuable time with someone I care and love?
(HJ) Yes it was for me too and I didn’t question it. Growing up I wasn’t given and opportunity to question “the rule”. Probably why I became an adult who questioned everything. “Where is it written?” Always “why” and I encouraged my daughter to question everything too. I so love learning from others.
In Conversation 