from goodlifegoodchoices.org
“Man up!”
“That’s not very ladylike.”
“You throw like a girl!”
The vast majority of us have heard and said statements like these many times – statements that direct or judge actions based on gender. Our ideas about how men and women are supposed to act, their strengths and weaknesses and the types of choices they should make can greatly impact our self-concept, or how we see ourselves. Self-concept is a key factor in the choices we make, since it determines what we see as right, and even as possible, for ourselves. When ideas about our gender unconsciously influence our self-concept, we run the risk of guiding our lives by assumptions that, when exposed to the light of conscious thought, might turn out to be wrong. This is why it’s important to think critically about gender ideas and how they influence our decision-making.
While thinking about this article I remembered being brought up to believe a good wife and mother keeps a good home. Does all the house work, and looks after the man.
My mother was one role model. She kept a strict home and the men were to be looked after. That was my Father and my three brothers. My role was to learn to cook, clean, sew, iron (everything), and learn how to keep the men happy. They were allowed to enjoy themselves while I had to learn to do all these things “properly”.
What was it like for you Lily, growing up as a woman? Were you expected to learn how to be a good wife and mother and what that meant?
What an interesting topic HJ. My mum might hold such thought “being a good wife and mother to keep a good home”, yet moving to different places made it difficult to hold on to it. I guess, my mother was raised in an unique family where girls were also encouraged to obtain higher education. I know how she struggled to fit into “home” so she did not enforce that to us. (Recently, she said she regret not teaching myself and my sister about housework though)
In the culture I grew up, yes, there is a certain societal expectation that you get married by certain age, start your own family, raise the children, look after your family. That is the destiny to be born as a woman leading to the happiness of woman. My mum certainly hold such believe yet she is quite accpeting of ‘new’ ways of life that women can now ‘choose’.
I think this goes back to my maternal grandmother. She has raised seven children, majority to become healthcare professionals, except my mother who has chosen engineering. My maternal grandmother had been recorgnised for her mothering and have been awarded for her effort.
Successful mothers are not the one who have never struggled. They are the ones who never give up, despite the struggles.
Sharon Jaynes
My mother was the second youngest and the youngest girl in the family. So, she hardly had to engage with housework. When she got married to my father, she struggled because she married to the eldest son, meaning that she had to help my paternal grandmother to run and manage the house with three younger sister-in-laws and brother-in-law to take care of. They were still in their schooling. Not only that, she had difficult time adapting to the new way of being a woman in the family.
None of this sat well with me and yet I was not given any other alternatives. It was the ultimate for any girl/woman, to keep and good home and raise a family and be a good wife. I never really knew what that all meant. It didn’t sit well with me. Give up my life for everyone else and what ever I wanted to be, do, was not as important as what the men wanted.
I believe that was what my mother experienced too. She hated cooking (she told me later in life), she hated cleaning in the [ancient] way (as she called then) my paternal grandmother told her to. Even during her pregnancy, she had been asked to wipe the three-starry house kneel down, wipe cloth on the hand, including all the steps. She said that was torture days in her life.
When I married for the first time (yes, I’ve been married twice and divorced twice and that’s another story for another time) I tried my best to cook, clean, keep a home, allow my husband to do what he wanted and look my best at all times I was with him. I gave up my life for him, and he loved it. So much so, he saw other women, was always out with his buddies and did very little around the home. Even when our daughter was born, he didn’t give up his life. It wasn’t until he met another women and she became pregnant that our marriage ended.
In the 70’s women could not continue to work if they married in some industries and definitely could not continue to work when pregnant.
I heard about such stories still exist in many modern Asian countries around the world. I wonder why in some countries their birth rate continuous to fall because the society is not supporting women back into their workforce. I can see some sort of improvement over time though.
My second marriage (eight years later) was very different. I was not going to be the one that did all the “woman’s” work and it was about sharing. He could cook, clean just a well as I could and I could work in the garden, build, renovate, paint etc just as well as he could. We had a relationship where there were no male or female roles.
I don’t understand why it’s taken for granted still today that women work in the home and men outside. Even with women working outside the home, in many cases they are still expected to care for children, wash, clean, cook etc.
Isn’t that fascinating? I wonder whether it was a lead-role for woman or we have been groomed in such a way we have become better in performing those roles. Having said that, at a stage of my life, I really believed in that gender-based family roles.
How are we raising our children? Why would we not teach them to be able to look after themselves, a home, another person without the old fashion gender roles.
It is fascinating what we potray to children about this gender-roles without any intention that you are potraying gender-roles to them.
One day, I was talking to my niece about something. She said “Well, I am a girl so I should do x, y, and z.” I was shocked and looked at her and said “not really. You have a choice not to do x, y, and z.” She thought about it for a while and rephrased “I want to do x, y, and z.”
This was an example of when I realised, as an adult, how much influence I have on children. Well, yes, I know watch very carefully of my thoughts and comments by questionning where did I get such perspectives from. Is it real? Is it true? Is it just my imagination? or is it just my perspective?
It’s not about who is at home all the time. Who is raising the children. Who is responsible for household duties.
Why can not all this be shared and worked out between the people involved?
In Conversation 