HJ, I guess, I have been carefully groomed by my parents and immediate environment to act and behave in a certain way. When I was thinking about our topic of this post, I remembered an episode with my grandmother.
Oh Lily this will be an interesting conversation.
Soon after migrating to Australia, my family was living with my grandparents and my uncle. Yes, they have migrated to Australia earlier than my family. We stayed with them for about a month or so. While we were living together, obviously there were plenty of chances to help around in the house. One of such tasks was to help folding clothes.
One afternoon, I was folding clothes with my grandmother. Taking a piece of cloth out from laundary basket, fold it, putting aside, and pick up next piece of cloth to fold. After all clothes were folded, put them back into the basket.
Okay, this is where I find fasinating.
There was a certain order of how to put them back in.
Don’t get me wrong. I had no problem with that. Even I did, as a kid, it wasn’t my place to comment on it anyway.
I hear you. There was a definite way to hang clothes, to fold them as soon as they are taken off the line and yes order to put in piles.
What did my grandmother tell me?
Not to place women’s clothes before or on the top of men’s clothes.
Underwears need to go between clothes so they are not revealing.
When I asked for a reason, she said “well women are dirtier than men.”
I was stunned as a child but now I think what she meant was about menstration. This was her perspective at the time.
Regardless, I was shocked yet this wasn’t the end.
“Well, coming to this country where water is so precious, I stopped washing them separately.”
My grandmother meant that she used to wash men’s clothes and women’s clothes separately because she felt that women were dirtier than men.
I lost my word to react for that comment. I think I have just accepted it as her perspective.
Wow, that’s is a shock to hear that was your experience. I do know of cultures where women are sent away from the homes/villages/communities when they are menstruating, for many different reasons. How sad isn’t it that even today the subject is taboo and considered “dirty” when it’s the incredible process of reproduction of the human species. We as women need to be celebrated for this ability.
To have your Grandmother tell you that, and to believe that, would had had a deep imprint on your psyche. The only time clothes are separated for me was for coloured, whites and the really dirty, oh and tea towels never washed with underwear. Isn’t if interesting what you remember.
Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
Warren Buffett
Years later, I have noticed that my mother put them back similar to my grandmother. I asked why? She said that she just did it naturally without thinking about it. Then, she realised that she was once in trouble because she didn’t put it in the right order as my grandmother instructed. So, she doesn’t know the reason why.
The imprint of that experience lasts doesn’t it? I think we’ve all experienced this. Yes, cultural and yes to learned behaviour. A blend of both
My mother was the youngest girl in her family so when she married to my father, she didn’t know much about housework. Obviously, married to my father, the eldest son in the family, all housework are now my mother’s shoulder as a daughter-in-law of my grandparents. My mother was carefully groomed by my grandmother to follow her rules.
Old habits are hard to break, but not impossible!
Pearl Cleage
Years later, I have noticed that I did what my mother did, following the rule without taking too much notice.
My sister-in-law asked me about why? and I couldn’t really answer her. Because, I know the answer I got from my grandmother would be so illogical to the modern society. I tried to explain yet unsuccessful because I questioned it myself.
I so hear you here. I just followed what my mother taught me. It wasn’t till years into my living independently from my family that I started to question “why” and also what would happen if I didn’t do the things I was taught the way I was told they need to be done. Simple things like, “make sure the dishes are always done, bed always made, floors swept etc before you leave the house”. Right down to the “good dinner set for parties” , “the everyday dinner set” and “the picnic sets”. Pillow cases must be ironed, tea towels too. The list just went on and on. I was so surprised how hesitant I was to change these practices. Now I do if I can, and if I don’t well, they will get done at some stage. Are they truly that important?
I think it’s important to realize that you can miss something, but not want it back.
Paulo Coetho
What I do these days?
I ask what they would like me to do? Do they have any problem with the order? Just in case if they have one of such rules.
Yes, it’s interesting isn’t it. When I stay with others I try to follow what they do. With my daughter, she has definite ideas about hanging clothes, folding them etc. If in her home I follow what she wants. Not worth trying to force “my” way as I was raised with the belief there is only one way of doing everything, my mothers. And it took me some time to realise there are so many way of doing everything and the world won’t come to an end if you do.
So, piling folded clothes in a certain order, is this culture or learned behaviour?
Great question. For me I think it’s a cultural behaviour “habit” passed down through the generations due to certain beliefs and not questioned. I know I was not encouraged to ask why. The answer was always “just to it this way, and if you can’t, leave it and I’ll do it” hear that long enough and you don’t bother.
In Conversation 